


Pink Envelopes

by nic73



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Drama, Gen, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-02
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-16 20:45:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/866418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nic73/pseuds/nic73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This started out as a one shot for Paint it Red monthly challenge and then grew,<br/>Jane is taken by Red John and tortured, physically and mentally. Can Lisbon bring  him back from the brink. Final chapter posted!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Promise

The first letter, if you can call one sentence a letter, arrives on a Monday. It is in a pink envelope that smells of lillies and as Patrick Jane pulls it out silver coloured hearts fall at his feet. The message is succinct:

"I love you Patrick Jane"

Jane read it again:

"Lisbon"

pink envelopes

The second letter arrives on a Friday. Cho and Rigsby look up from their paperwork.

"Hey Cho, another love letter for Jane from his secret admirer."

This time gold stars lay at Jane's feet and he reads

"Roses are red

Violets are blue

In my sleep

I dream only of you."

Jane shows it to Lisbon

"At least it's not William Blake" she mutters

pink evelopes

On Monday the CBI mailman appears with another pink envelope for Patrick Jane. Cho, Rigsby and Grace have a pool going as to what will fall out this time. No one guessed multi-coloured musical notes.

"Rigsby look inside you left pants pocket"

Rigsby reaches in and brings out a folded piece of paper and reads out:

"Musical notes you all owe me 10 bucks - Jane"

Rigsby is aghast

"How does he do that!"

Jane smiles. His letter says:

'I look forward to when I take you in my arms and we dance the night away. I know you want this too. Soon, my love, soon.

pink envelopes

On Friday every one is waiting for the next letter. Lisbon is watching Jane and notices him tapping his finger against the arm of his couch.

"Everything alright Jane?"

"Yes, yes I'm fine"

Lisbon catches a nervous smile before it quickly changes into a confident mask.

"Letter for Patrick Jane"

Paper flowers fall to his feet.

'I think it is perfectly proper to send the man you love flowers but a whole room full would not express my devotion. They await you Patrick.'

pink envelopes

Monday morning there is a tap on Lisbon's door, the mailman is holding a small box wrapped in pink.

"Jane isn't in yet"

"It's for you"

Lisbon unwraps the parcel which contains a single chocolate in a clear view box with a gift tag attached.

'I hope you enjoy this agent, it is my favourite - strawberry cream.'

Lisbon misses the red circle that's fallen at her feet.


	2. Taken

Warning: torture

Jane slowly returns to consciousness. His head's pounding, he's cold, there's something hard beneath him. He can't move his arms, he can't move his legs. As all these facts come to his awareness he snaps open his eyes. He's staring at an ugly brick, arched ceiling. He's most definitely not at the CBI. He moves his head and looks around him. All he can see is a big empty space, obviously an abandoned warehouse. His attention then turns to his immediate proximity. He's laying on something hard and narrow. Higher than a bed. He lifts he head to look at his feet and the room spins. He lays back down, takes deep breaths, counting to ten and then tries again. He finds his feet, which are handcuffed and he surmises that they are attached to the legs of his 'bed' and there is also a strap across his ankles. He tugs but nothing is moving. He then concentrates on his hands. His arms are hanging down the side of the table pulled slightly back, he can feel handcuffs around each wrist, which are then, no doubt, attached to the other legs of his 'bed'. There is also a tighter binding, thin and cutting keeping his hands firmly against the aforementioned legs, He can feel the coldness of steel. The thought of the cold makes him shiver which brings him to his last discovery, that he has been disrobed of all his clothes except for his boxer shorts.

He struggles against his binds, but soon realises that he.s doing more harm than good. Nothing is budging. He stills himself and thinks back to the last thing he can remember.

He was worried about the notes sent to him. By the end of the first week he could detect an undercurrent in the wordings that was menacing. He didn't voice his concerns to Lisbon as there wasn't anything he could readily explain and maybe it was just his imagination because he felt uncomfortable with such attention. He joked along with the team but he didn't like the idea of someone having such thoughts about him when his heart belonged to Angela. By the end of the second week he was convinced that he was right. He was going to talk to Lisbon but they received a case. It was in the middle of nowhere and by the time they were back at headquarters it was late. Lisbon went to see Bertram and so he had decided to go back to his motel room and talk to her later. He opened the door and walked in, went to put the kettle on and someone grabbed him from behind, a cloth over his face. He struggled and tried not to breathe he then felt a pain explode in his stomach which threw his concentration and then there was black.

That confirms his kidnapping, by two people and he is certain neither one was a woman. He hears a door opening, concentrating he can tell that there's only one set of footsteps and they belong to a man. The steps are slow but purposeful. He feels his heart quicken as they come closer. They stop behind him. Every part of him want to stretch his head back to see but he's not going to give his captor the satisfaction. He can hear slow and steady breathing. The man waits patiently, Jane takes his mind to another place to resist the temptation, he thinks about the last case on Friday, something bothers him about the crime scene but he isn't been able to put his finger on it. A whip striking his chest pulls him out of his musings, he arches his back and cries out. This causes him to see the figure behind him. Another strike hits and another.

"Welcome Patrick, it is rude of you not to acknowledge my arrival."

Jane waits for the pain to recede.

"Red John."

"Well done."

From his position Jane is not able to see much except for blue jeans and a black t shirt. The figure begins to move to his side and Jane's head moves with it. Disappointment envelopes him as a masked face comes in to view.

"I'm sorry Patrick I seemed to have upset you. Were you hoping to see my face. I may let you. I haven't decided yet. Perhaps if you're good."

Jane can hear the amusement in Red John's voice. He admonishes himself for showing emotion. He turns his face away from Red John. The whip swipes across his chest once more, he feels it opening his skin in a hot wave of pain. His body bucks again, he feels the tug on his wrists, the thin cord digs deeper.

"Interesting Patrick, you choose not to be good. This will be even more enjoyable than I thought."

Jane prepares himself for the whip again but it doesn't come. Instead he feels gentle fingers running across the open wound, it grabs his attention and he spins his head to look. He can see Red John smiling under his mask.

"Did you enjoy my letters Patrick."

"They were sick"

Red John presses harder on to the wound dragging his finger across. Jane gasps.

"Patrick you shouldn't throw a lover's gift back into their face. I never realised how impolite you are. I obviously need to teach you some manners. I have scarred your beautiful body enough for this visit, but I'm sure this will also be effective."

Jane watches him pull a tazer out of his pocket, he presses it against the side of Jane's body. Instantly his muscles contract making him go rigid, a tingling sensation rushes through him. As Red John continues to hold the tazer in place the tingling turns to pain, his muscles are screaming at him. He can feel sweat breaking out along his body. In his head he pleads for it to come to an end but it goes on. Just when he feels the world to begin to swim before his eyes Red John releases and his body falls back on the table, he's unable to stop his muscles from shaking. Red John watches while his body calms and then presses it against his skin again.

As Red John releases the tazer for the fourth time Jane hears his screams reverberating around the empty space. When his body finally finishes twitching Red John places a hand upon his shoulder.

"I hope that teaches you to show your manners. Rest now Patrick for a couple of hours, you need some recuperation for what's ahead. We have memories to make."

Jane listens to his footsteps fade away and end at the closing of the door. The burning in his muscles is retreating, he becomes aware of the pain in his wrists, blood dripping down his hands and from his fingers on to the floor. He makes his mind go blank and his wracked body succumbs to sleep. Silence reigns within the walls.


	3. Strawberries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a creepy chapter with sexual undertones.

His wracked body that sent him to sleep also woke him up. The pain in his shoulders, from the combination of having his arms stretched back and the stress that the taser put on them, is becoming unbearable. He tries to move them to bring relief but it brings forth a groan. His attention is then drawn to the opening of the door. This time he stretches his neck to look behind him. He can see that there are two men, who are carrying a small table. As they move to the side to come around the table they reveal two more men behind them. He turns his head back to watch them place the table four feet away from him. The men each wear masks, and this brings a surge of hope to Jane that perhaps he's not going to die today. As the other two men come in to view he sees that one is Red John, carrying a case that he puts on the table, and the final man places a plastic container. Red John dismisses the men. He turns to Jane:

"I'm glad you were able to get some sleep. It seems your shoulders are bothering, I know it's uncomfortable to be tied down in such a way and I apologize but can't be helped. But I have something here that might bring you some relief."

Red John opens the case and brings out a bottle. He squeezes something in to his hand, Jane can't see what it is, He then moves nearer to Jane. Jane is surprised when he feels Red John put his hands on his right shoulder and begins to massage it. Jane can feel Red John's breath on his body as he leans in. He resists his touch.

"Patrick don't fight, just relax"

When Jane resists again Red John drives his thumb hard in to the soft flesh near his shoulder. Jane jumps and cries out with the pain.

"You are showing bad manners again Patrick, I am trying to help you."

Jane reluctantly relaxes, the pain is just not worth it.

"That's better"

Red John soothes.

"Has anyone told you how well defined you are Patrick, it is a lovely surprise."

Red John moves his hands down Jane's arms.

"Oh what delight some of your blood has spilled. Jane feels him wipe a finger across the cord that binds his wrist and then hears him suck. Jane closes his eyes and works hard to suppress the desire to wretch. Red John moves away and squeezes some more lotion on to his hands and moves around the back to the other side, running a hand across his hair as he passes by. The massage begins again. Jane can do nothing but endure it.

After he's finished Red John brings out wipes and cleans his hands. He stares down at Jane and sighs

"I hope that has helped a little. Now you must be hungry. I have brought you a little something to take the edge off. I am sure you will enjoy them as I know you buy them often. He moves to the container, after taking off the lid he shows Jane the contents. Inside are a few strawberries and another small container. Red John lays it back down and takes out the small one and starts removing the lid.

"Have you ever been to England Jane? I went once and they have some delicious strawberries. My favourite way to eat them is with scones and clotted cream. Have you ever tried it?"

Jane see that he is waiting for an answer. He shakes his head.

"You must. The scone would have been to messy today but I do have some clotted cream as a treat on this special occasion."

Jane's disturbed by this turn of events. He had expected more violence from Red John. not massages and food. He thinks back to the notes that he had received. Is it possible that there is more behind them than he first thought? A shiver runs through him at what it all may mean. Red John continues:

"Strawberries and cream is so fitting don't you think. It is almost our theme. I even have a gift for Lisbon."

Jane's eyes widen.

"Now don't panic Patrick it's just a chocolate as a way of putting her mind at rest when you don't come in to work on Monday."

He turns and reaches inside his case again, he pulls out a knife, he places it on Jane's right thigh and pulls it across, it isn't deep but a thin layer of blood rises from it. Jane closes his eyes against the sting.

"Apologies Patrick,but I know a demonstration is necessary to earn your co-operation. I expect you to open your mouth willingly for the strawberries or more cuts will follow and each one will be deeper than the next. If you behave then maybe next time the demonstration will not be necessary. Do you understand."

Jane had opened his eyes during Red John's speech and nods his head. Red John smiles:

"Good"

He lays the knife down after wiping it clean.

"Hopefully I won't have to use this again. Are you ready to begin?"

Jane watches as Red John picks up a strawberry and dips it in the cream.

"Open wide and take a bite."

Jane is obedient juice trickle down his chin. Red John wipes it with his finger and licks it. He dips the rest of the strawberry in to the cream and puts it in to his own mouth.

"Excellent. Your saliva adds a delicious sweetness to them."

He picks up another strawberry and after dipping it in to the cream he takes a bite, dips it back in to the cream and offers it to Jane. Jane horrified by how this is going doesn't open his mouth. Red John insists, pushing it against his lips but Jane doesn't move. Red John eats the strawberry and picks up the knife, he swipes it quickly against Jane's thigh, Jane gasp against the agony and feels blood beginning to drip down the inside of his leg.

"Tut tut Patrick. I trust that will not happen again."

He dips a small strawberry in some cream and Jane opens his mouth and Red John places it on his tongue letting his finger scape along it as he pulls it out.

"That's better"

He watches Jane eat the strawberry. Suddenly he pushes down on the cut he made on Jane's thigh making Jane cry out.

"That's just a reminder Patrick"

Another strawberry is dipped in the cream and a bite taken by Red John. Tears prick at Jane's eyes, the cut is still burning. He opens his mouth to accept the offering.

"Opps I have some cream still on my finger, can you clean it off for me?"

Jane closes his eyes while does as he's told. He hears a delighted hum. By his reckoning there is only one strawberry left. He vows that if he gets out of this alive he will never eat another strawberry again.

"It's the final one Patrick, this has been such fun. I think strawberries are my favourite fruit now. Every time I eat one it will remind me of you and our special time together. Now this time I just want you to suck the cream off. I will demonstrate first."

They take turns until the cream is finished. Jane feels sick, at least he doesn't have to eat it as he watches Red John close his eyes and revel in the taste. He then takes a wipe and cleans himself and then Jane.

"That was fun."

"How is this going to end?"


	4. realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Torture

Red John leans over his victim placing his hands on either side of the table, his face inches from Jane's:

"I'm glad you asked that question. How this ends is entirely up to you."

Jane turns he head to the side to get away from the smell of Red John's strawberry laced breath. Red John grabs Jane's chin in his hand hard and turns it back.

"That is very rude. I have shown you one path and now I'm going to show you another and then you choose. Choose wisely my friend."

Jane feels Red John's fingers pressing harder into his face. Jane meets his nemesis' eyes and determines not to flinch. Red John releases his hold and turns towards the table and fumbles inside his case. He then turns back to Jane:

"I was going to gag you so you didn't have to listen to your screams but for such insolence they will ring joyously and loud in your ears."

Red John holds up a scalpel to Jane's view.

"This is a wonderful instrument, so delicate and innocuous, it's used for such good in this world and yet in the wrong hands it can be devastating. I like it because it's precise. I would advise you to stay as still as possible as I have no desire to cause any real damage."

Jane stares at the scalpel as it moves closer to his body, it seems as if Red John's hand is moving in slow motion and yet before Jane is ready he feels a sting as it's drawn quickly against his skin and causes a hiss to escape from his lips.

Red John is watching Jane's blood run free from the small cut he has made, he marvels as it changes from deep red at the source , to a pink quality as it spreads out across Jane's chest, this life-giving liquid that willing gives itself to his command.

Jane has watched the emotions play out on Red John's face and knows that the strawberries was just play acting this is Red John's real love. Red John takes a wipe and cleans the scalpel before placing it on the table. Jane see's him pick something up, which he keeps away from Jane's view until he reaches the table, and what Jane sees fills him with horror.

"I see you recognise my little instrument called a cauter. You are such a clever fellow. It's for your own good Patrick I don't want you bleeding to death just yet while I play with you."

Red John wipes at the slice he made and then uses the cauter to close the wound. It is quick but the pain is intense., Jane fights against it and stifles the scream that would help bring relief, the pain slowly begins to ebb. Red John meets Jane's eyes, noticing the sweat that has formed on his brow.

"Well done Patrick, let's see how you do with this one."

It is the eighth cauterization that sends Jane in to grateful oblivion. Red John puts away his machine and turns his attention back to his unconscious victim. He looks with satisfaction at the black marks on Jane's chest and inhales the smell of burning flesh.

"When I watched you on that talk show, disparaging me and I determined to make you pay, I underestimated you. Of all the victim's families you have never given up. You've been dogged and determined, I have loved that about you. It turned in to a game, a wonderful, delicious game, and it's been fun playing with you - I mean along with you. It has all been leading up to this point, this is the pinnacle. You may ask why now? Well because you are getting too close Patrick, way too close. Our game has to come to an end, somehow I don't think you will enjoy it as much as I will. You have a choice, but each choice ends in death my friend. I will leave you now to recuperate, you will need your strength."

Red John takes a syringe out of the case and injects it in to Jane's arm, packs everything up and leaves the room.

The pain hits Jane as he returns to consciousness. At first it's all his senses can comprehend. He moans, each breath increasing the pain. There is nothing he can do about it. He tries concentrating on the room around him. Straining for any sound that could reveal that he's not alone. There's nothing.

It's noon and Lisbon closes her laptop and stretches in her chair. She's been doing paperwork all morning and is ready for coffee and her sandwich in the fridge. The sun sends streaks of light through the blinds and her attention is brought to something shiny on the carpet. She moves around her desk, it is a red circle. She picks it up, when she turns it over a smiley face is revealed. Not Red John's, the trademark smiley, but dread enters her heart as she remembers the chocolate. She looks in to the bullpen for confirmation that there is no Jane.

The team look up as the hear Lisbon's door being violently pushed open.

"As anyone seen Jane?"

They all shake their heads. Concern spreads among them as they see the look on Lisbon's face. Rigsby asks:

"What's up boss."

"I received a small parcel wrapped in pink paper this morning. It was a chocolate - strawberry and cream. Just now I found this on the carpet. Red John has Jane and he's had him all weekend."

The team enter Jane's motel room, his car is still in the parking lot. There's no Jane, but signs of a struggle, with a broken cup on the floor. The team look around the room in silence, searching for anything that will give them hope, knowing, all the while, there won't be any. The crime scene people arrive, but there is no trace evidence to be found, only of Jane. Lisbon is sat upright in the drivers seat of the SUV, looking straight ahead at the motel door, as if willing Jane to walk out of it and the nightmare to end. As the CSI personal pack up and leave, she finally breaks the suffocating silence.

"There's only one thing we can do, draw Red John out and now! There's no time to lose."

She starts up the car, fastens her seat belt and heads back to the CBI headquarters.


	5. A guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: torture

Jane is drifting in and out of consciousness, he is sure he has been given a drug of some kind but is grateful to be able to get away from the pain in his chest, shoulders and wrists. He hasn't a clue how long it's been since he last saw Red John, or what day it is, or what time it is. What he does know is that he has been left to ponder on his death. He wonders what his death will mean to Lisbon and the team? What does his death mean to him? What is his biggest regret, dying at the hands of Red John instead of the other way around or leaving the people he has come to care about behind? He has always kept them at arms length, considering them pawns in his quest - his best route to catching Red John. But they became more than that a long time ago, he's just been kidding himself that they hadn't. Sure he still used them, lied to them and hid things from them but he wouldn't sacrifice them. They are the only people in the world he trusts, they have come through for him time and time again, forgiven him. supported him and helped him. And then there is Teresa Lisbon. When he first met her he had been touched by her concern for him, he recognised a good soul. It had been a stormy relationship for a long time as he flaunted rules and did whatever he felt it took to put away the bad guy, because if you didn't get the bad guy then what was the point. But then he'd saved her life, chosen her over a Red John lead and their relationship changed. They became friends, then good friends. She started introducing him as her partner. They worked more and more together and he's shamelessly exploited her feelings. He's pushed boundaries in his search for Red John, he has done unforgivable things and yet she's forgiven him, protected him, lied for him, put herself and her career on the line for him. Sometimes he wishes he hadn't saved her life, that someone else had done it so that her soul had not been his to corrupt. Perhaps his death would be her saviour.

Yes he is ready to meet his death, but it mustn't be in vain. If he couldn't kill Red John while alive, his death must be the catalist for his capture, he somehow needs to make sure that when they discover his body, which he is certain will be displayed under his own smiley face for the world to see, that there will also be traces of Red John.

Red John said he has a choice to make, and to choose the first option will have the better chance of garnishing evidence but as he contemplates what that choice could mean he knows he can't go through with it. Patrick Jane has found his limit!

He's roused from his contemplations by the arrival of Red John - the door opening, the now familiar steps.

"Good morning Patrick"

Now he knows it's the morning, but which one?

"I hope you've slept well."

As Red John passes by Jane can see he is carrying a fold up chair, along with his case. He places the chair at the feet of Jane and then he's by Jane's side looking down on him.

"You're not looking very good Patrick, there is a sheen of sweat on your body."

Red John places his hand on Jane's temple like a loving parent, Jane jerks his face to the side in an ineffectual effort to shake off his hand.

"I think you have a slight fever, I had hoped to avoid an infection. You will be suffering enough."

The fever had gone unnoticed by Jane amid all his other suffering. He feels Red John touching the cuts on his chest. With the lack of food and water he hasn't the energy to lift his head to see what he is doing. Suddenly an agonising pain shoots through him and he's unprepared to hold back the scream. He sucks in his breath as Red John seems to be squeezing his flesh.

"Sorry Patrick, I should have warned you. I found the source of your infection and I am cleaning it out for you."

The pressure stops, Jane can hear Red John opening his case and return to his side.

"This will sting, I am pouring some alcohol on the cut."

Jane closes his eyes to the pain and with all his will, succeeds in not crying out. Jane feels Red John pat him on his chest, once again he is talking to him.

"That hopefully that will solve the problem. Now I am going to move you from the table soon so I want to prepare your feet first as it is easier while you're on here."

Jane wonders what on earth he means by preparing his feet, he receives his answer.

"I'm sure you will appreciate the reference to your dear wife, you can be sure it will be a work of art."

Jane jumps when Red John grabs his right foot. Instinctively he tries to pull away, Red John grabs his big toe and bends it back, Jane yells as his toe breaks.

"Don't do that again Patrick."

Jane is counting his breaths willing them under control. He can feel Red John rubbing his foot and speaking once more. Jane has had enough and his thoughts turn to Angela. How he wished he believed in life after death. That after this ordeal is over that he will meet up once more with his love, kiss her, hold her, run his hands through her hair, lose himself in her smile. He has missed her so much. All the moments they should have shared, the memories they should have been making, the love that has gone to waste. He can see her, smell her, taste her. A sharp sting across the ball of his foot brings him back to reality.

"Good to see you back Patrick, don't leave me again. I won't be so kind. You haven't been listening to me. I have just sliced your foot and I am now collecting your blood to paint your nails. Eight more slices are made by Red John until he's satisfied with his 'artistry' and he moves to Jane's left foot. Jane has spent the past ten years of his life feeling tired as sleep became his enemy, but now he is weary. Weary of being strapped to the table for so long, the muscles in his shoulders and arms scream at him for relief, weary from starvation and dehydration, weary from blood loss and weary from Red John's incessant narration and taunts and humiliation. As Jane suffers a third slice in to his left foot, he jumps as the door bangs open. He hears Red John swear and greet the intruder:

"This has better be good."

"There is something you need to see now."

Jane feels Red John turn his attention back to his feet, the movements more hasty than before.

"Since they know better than to interrupt me, it must be important, so I am leaving you for a little while Patrick, I'm sorry, to speed things up I am going to cut deeper."

Jane feels the knife dig deep in to his foot, a cry escapes his lips, his blood drips to the floor. Red John finishes the painting.

"Excellent. I think you'll be satisfied when you see them."

Red John pats Jane's foot and soon Jane is alone once more, with his pain and his thoughts.

The door to his prison bangs open once more, startling Jane, he jumps and pain ripples through his body. He hears many feet that are soon by his side. Hands fall upon him, his binds are cut swiftly The pain as they lift him off the table, moving muscles stiff and protesting, is unbearable, causing Jane to scream tearing at his dry, raw throat. His feet sting and the cuts open up as he is dragged across the floor, he's roughly placed on to a chair, His wrists and ankles are tied to it's legs and arms with thin nylon cord, pulled tight until it is digging in to his flesh. Jane is fighting unconsciousness as his weakened body rebels against the brutal, efficient treatment. He is aware of movement as he's momentarily left alone, then ice water hits his face. He gasps and his tongue comes out rescuing drops of water to inadequately relieve his thirst. He opens his eyes to find himself staring at Teresa Lisbon, her face filling the TV monitor now in front of him. The others have gone and it's him and Red John alone again.

"I have something for you to watch Patrick."

The screen comes to life and Lisbon is standing before microphones, There is a blown up photo of himself to the left of her. He recognises that it's a press conference. he tries to concentrate as Lisbon begins to speak:

"Over the weekend Patrick Jane, a consultant with the CBI was kidnapped by Red John. Red John killed Patrick Jane's wife and child and he's been searching for the serial killer ever since. We are very concerned for the well being of our colleague at the hands of this monster, if anyone has any information that could be helpful at this time, there is a number to call that will go across your screens.

Lisbon looks directly at the camera:

"Red John if you are watching you may think you are infallible but we will find you, that's a promise."

Jane closes his eyes in despair as Red John stops the recording on Lisbon's image once more. He knows what she's doing, he silently begs:

"Please don't let her succeed."

He knows it's all in vain at Red John's words.

"I think she wants to join us Patrick. A guest might be fun."

Jane feels anger and fear curse through him, he can't help but struggle and fight.

"Leave her alone"

His voice comes out strangled and weak. Red John moves closer, leans in to Jane and put his hands on his shoulders gripping them tightly.

"Calm down Patrick, you will seriously hurt yourself, spoiling my pleasure. Look at that face Patrick"

He turns and points to the screen.

"She's worried about you, it would be remiss of me not to calm her fears. Now let's prepare for our guest."

Red John moves behind Jane, leans over him and cuts the cord to his wrists, pulls his arms over the back of the chair hard, his back arches as handcuffs secure them in place. He finds himself staring at the ceiling, his throat and ribs stretched, it is hard to breath. The cord around his ankles are cut and his feet pulled to the back legs and fastened, stretching his muscles to their limits. Jane can not prevent a groan escaping his lips. A blind fold brings darkness.

"This happy course of events mean I need to keep you alive longer Patrick, so enjoy my friend."

Jane feels a bottle against his lips, he opens his mouth welcoming the water. Swallowing is hard in his new position but he manages to get some down, the rest spills down his chin on to his neck and then to the floor. The bottle's pulled away, his mouth gagged.

"Well done Patrick and now to work."

The room fills with the sound of electricity as it courses through Jane's body, constricting his stretched muscles, the agony too much to bear, only to be revived and tortured again and again. Jane is ready to beg for mercy and somewhere in his pain racked mind he is grateful for the gag silencing him. Red John knows just when to stop. He removes the blindfold and smiles at the tortured eyes returning his gaze. The gag remains in place and he leaves his twitching, suffering victim.

Lisbon can't help but feel on edge. She knows she's being watched and tracked at all times, but it's a risky plan, even Jane hasn't come up with a plan as full of holes as this one. Her team tried to talk her out of it but it was a halfhearted attempt. They have all been chasing Red John long enough to know that, if Jane is alive and with no body they still have hope, this is his only chance. Every foreseeable precaution has been made to ensure her safety. All there is to do now is wait for Red John to make his move.

It comes swiftly, expert hands grab her, subdue her, restrain her and send her into darkness. As she awakens her head is pounding, for a moment confusion reigns as she struggles against restraints, but then she remembers and snaps open her eyes. The sight before her fills her with horror and relief. Her consultant and friend is before her, his body manipulated and bound around the chair in which he sits, evidence of his mistreatment bringing tears to her eyes, she struggles to find her voice

"Jane"

A voice from behind startles her.

"He's sedated at the moment, he'll be joining us soon."

Lisbon strains to look behind, to have her first sight of Red John but he is beyond her line of sight. She shouts

"What have you done to him?"

"He wants to be well rested for your arrival. I'm sure your reunion will be very touching.

A muffled groan is heard from behind the gag. Lisbon's attention is drawn to the sound.

"Jane"

She see's his eyes flicker as he struggles to open them, he is loses the battle and he is still once more. Lisbon bows her head and speaks softly to herself:

"At least he's alive."

"And as usual he's lacking in manners"

The crack of a whip rings in Lisbon's ear as it's tentacle laps at Jane's skin.

"Wake up Patrick our guest has arrived."

With one more act of encouragement from the whip, Jane fights the drug and his eyes open.


	6. Saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Torture

Lisbon winces as the whip lashes out once more bringing a tribal groan from it's victim.

"Stop! Leave him alone."

As Red John pulls her head back by her hair, she feels his warm breath on her ear:

"You invited yourself to our party, isn't this what you wanted to see? Look at your precious consultant Agent Lisbon, Learn from him, don't carry on the hunt after I have had my fill and I suggest you remain quiet unless you want to add to Patrick suffering."

Red John finally moves in to Lisbon's view, of course he's masked. He stands before Jane, reaches out his hand and caresses his face and body.

"It will soon be over Patrick. Soon your heart won't be able to take any more."

He moves behind him and bends towards Jane's ear.

"Now shall we get on with the show for our guest."

All Jane is aware of is agony. His body feels numb and on fire at the same time. His mind seem unable to process any other information. In the far distance he can hear noises but he cannot distinguish their source. He believes his eyes are open but he sees no images just flashing light that pulsates with his pain. There's a white flash and the pain intensifies he groans in to the gag. He is desperately trying to concentrate his mind away from the pain, deep within he knows there is something important but it floats away like a leaf in a summer breeze. How he wishes he could feel the sun just one more time, it's warmth, it's energy. it's light. To think is exhausting. He feels hands on him, the noise is closer, it is a voice, probably him! The words seem a jumble, a cool breeze lightly touches his neck.

Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt are in a police van looking at a thermal imaging report. It shows three images in the main warehouse space with five more in the rooms above. A technician is explaining what they are seeing:

"Two of the images in the warehouse are on chairs and look like they could be strapped down."

He points to the screen:

"Look you can just make out binding of some sort. This image definitely is, as no one would sit in a chair in that position by choice. You see how the image is lighter, this would indicate that this person is badly injured."

The team look at each other. They are certain they are looking at Jane, Lisbon and Red John. Van Pelt whispers what they are all thinking:

"At least he's alive."

"I'm not sure for how much longer."

The technician looks up ruefully, when he realises his faux pas.

The team step away. "

We can't risk rushing in while Red John is in the same room as Jane and Lisbon There is nowhere for us to sneak in, it's just an empty space, We try to go in while Red John is in there and one of them is dead before we make it through the door, we might be able to save one but not both."

"But if we delay too long Jane may die anyway."

Cho looks at them both:

"I think we need to wait, it is too big a risk, we have to wait for Red John to leave."

They all nod in agreement.

Cho turns to the technician

"Keep us apprised of Jane's condition."

Lisbon can hardly watch the scene before her. Red John has been systematically cutting Jane. Small cuts on the arms, legs and torso. His blood is dripping slowly to the floor, not enough to cause death but to increase the suffering. Jane is staring at the ceiling, not reacting in any way, she doubts that his mind is with them. Tears fall from her eyes, she wonders where Cho and the team are. She's panicking that maybe something has gone wrong and they will not save him. Red John stands up from cutting in to Jane's leg and turns to Lisbon.

"I hope our show has delighted you. Jane has never lost his talent despite his absence from the stage. I will leave you for a little while so you can say your goodbye. He doesn't have very long."

Red John removes Jane's gag as he leaves. Lisbon see's Jane eyelids flutter, tears fall on to his cheeks, hope surges within her.

"Jane?"

Somewhere in his fog Jane can feel the knife cutting in to his skin, but it is the feel of his blood dripping that captures his fascination. Each drop is bringing him closer to death, closer to relief. Red John would probably be tormented to know that he is welcoming every cut, he really should tell him - a final victory. With this purpose Jane fights against his weariness to regain awareness of his surroundings. He wills himself to remember what the ceiling looks like and concentrates his mind to producing that image from the signals it should be receiving from his pupils. Finally he has success. With it comes back the pain but to cry out is beyond his capabilities, he begins to regret his decision. He feels a slight tug and the gag slips out of his mouth, his jaw feels stiff, stuck in the gaped position. His eyes water with the effort and pain, he blinks it away, it feels cool on his cheeks. A sound catches in his ears, beautiful, angelic, it fills his body with warmth and energy, he wished for the sun and sometimes wishes come true. He closes his eyes and speaks, he doubts if anyone hears, the sound is there for one small moment then is like an old dandelion that when blown on, breaks in to many dancing pieces that take their own path in the wind, taking away his hope, his comfort, his salvation.

"Teresa"

Only because of the acoustics of the big empty space is Lisbon able to hear Jane's gasp.

"Jane, Jane it's me."

There's no response, the only movement she sees is his eyes slowly closing.

"Fight Jane, fight. Don't give up, you hear me, don't give up."

Lisbon's plea is lost as the door bangs open and the room is filled with sounds of running feet and shouting. Lisbon doesn't see the many cops that have invaded the room. most heading towards the extra rooms including Cho and Van Pelt. She's not aware of the three cops that come towards her, she's only staring at Jane, at the barely perceptible movement of his chest, afraid that it's only by her strength of will, that it moves at all.

Rigsby moves past Jane to the back of Lisbon to untie her, the other cops stand guard. Rigsby is frozen at the sight of Jane.

"Boss?"

The sound of her name gets through to her:

Rigsby untie me now and get help to Jane."

"The paramedics are standing by, just waiting for the all clear."

As soon as she's free she rushes to Jane's side.

"Rigsby, unfasten the handcuffs' but be gentle."

Lisbon is stroking Jane's face.

"Jane can you hear me? Jane? It's alright we are going to get you out of here. It's over."

Jane groans as his arms are freed, Rigsby is working the cord binding his feet. He receives a message through his earpiece.

"It's all clear. They are sending in the paramedics."

"Have they got Red John?"

Rigsby asks and then shakes his head.

"He got away, they have taken chase."

Lisbon is sitting by the side of Jane's bed. He is heavily sedated. The doctor couldn't give a prognosis. They patched up what they could, pushed nurtrients, water and saline in to him, but the rest is up to Jane. 'They were lucky to get him to the hospital on time' was the opinion of the doctor. His body severely weakened by the torture, the damage to his heart is impossible to measure, only his will can help him now. Lisbon takes strength from every minute that ticks by and Jane's heart is still beating. The strain shows clearly on his face. The features that are usually full of life and mischief are painted grey, with a whisper of blue. His hand that she holds is cold and lifeless, the constant beat of the heart monitor is a welcome melody breaking the silence.

She realises there is nothing she can do and perhaps she ought to be out there helping to look for Red John. She knows she owes Cho and Van Pelt an apology. She had been so angry that Red John had escaped that she hadn't been able to look at the two of them. She had barely listened to their explanation that the plans had show only one way out but that there had been a secret escape exit. They had followed but he was gone. Now she's going to have to tell Jane that he isn't safe, that Red John could take him again and do this to him again.

She looks at Jane and knows she's not going anywhere. He's her partner and friend and she's all he has got. When had it changed from colleague to partner? When he started, he was as much a nuisance as he was a help, a small smile crossed her lips, that really hasn't changed. Neither has the fact that he is a loose cannon, who can be counted on to do something outrageous and cause all sorts of trouble, sometimes to move forward the case or sometimes just to annoy. But now they have a bond, so much has passed between them, she should have fed him to the wolves years ago but she'as never betrayed an partner and she won't betray Jane. He has stretched the limits of her toleration but his motives have always been on the side of good. She had always thought that one day it would all come crashing down on her, he would step over the line so far that she wouldn't go with him, but after what she witnessed today, she'ill be by his side no matter how, or where it goes.

There is a knock at the window looking in to the room - it's Bertram, he signals for her to join him. She softly releases Jane's hand, tucking it under the covers for warmth and joins Bertram out in the hall. He hands her some coffee, she gratefully accepts it.

"How's he doing?"

"He's holding his own. The doctor says it's a waiting game, they've done all they can."

"How about you?"

Lisbon shrugs:

"I'm doing alright sir."

"You went through hell Lisbon, watching someone you care about being tortured, is almost worse than suffering it yourself."

Lisbon snorts derisively:

"I think Jane would disagree with that statement."

"I don't think he would. I am sure that given the choice he's glad it was him and not you. I'm certain that as you sat in that chair watching, every part of you wanted to take his place."

Lisbon looks down at the truthfulness of his words. Afraid to speak after Red John's threat she had silently pleaded that his attentions would change to her that he would tire of his abuse of Jane, tire of the lack of response.

"I know you need to be here right now but I want you to see a psychiatrist and talk about what you went through."

Lisbon shakes her head:

"No there's no need for that, I'm fine sir."

"It's required Teresa and you will be better equiped to help Jane. Who knows what this may have done to him."

"Is that all sir?"

"Yes...As much as Jane is a thorn in my side, I only wish the best for him Agent. He's in my prayers and you to."

"Thank you sir."

Lisbon goes back in to Jane's room, retakes his hand, she wonders if it is reality or her imagination that it feels a little warmer. Bertram's words echo in her head.

"What has this done to you Jane? I am so stupid, I've expected you to wake up and be the same as always, but how can you? I'll be there for you, no matter what, we can deal with it, just come back."


	7. reactions

It has been three days now and the doctors are very pleased with Jane's progress. There has been no headway in the search for Red John and a guard is posted outside Jane's room. Lisbon has stayed by his bedside as much as possible, going home only to sleep but today she has been ordered for the psych evaluation.

She sits on the edge of her chair. She is staring at the psychiatrist who looks barely out of medical school, wondering what she has to do to get out of here as quickly as possible. She kicks herself that she has never asked Jane his trick. Thinking of Jane puts her impatience up a notch.

"I can see you don't want to be here Agent Lisbon, where would you like to be?"

Lisbon inwardly rolls her eyes:

"At the hospital, at my partners bedside. My partner who was viciously tortured and is now fighting for his life!"

"You witnessed the torture it says here."

"Just the last of it."

Lisbon can't help closing her eyes to the image that crosses her mind.

"Care to talk about it."

"No."

"Why not Agent it might help."

"The only thing that will help is being near Jane he needs me."

"It says in your statement that he strapped you to a chair opposite your partner. How did that make you feel."

Lisbon's blood is beginning to boil, she takes a breath and counts to ten.

"How do you think I felt, seeing Jane tied up like...like...

Lisbon finds herself unable to go on.

"Like what Agent?"

"Like an animal, a plaything of a monster."

" Red John?"

She glances down at her notes once more as Lisbon nods her head.

"It says here that he cut Jane."

"Just shallow cuts, enough to hurt and draw blood but not to bring death, he wanted him to die more slowly than that. Jane didn't seem aware that I was there, he just stared at the ceiling, he never moved or reacted to the damage being inflicted upon him"

"Did you try to talk to him?"

Lisbon's reply is almost a whisper:

"No not while Red John was there. I mean I did at first but Red John threatened to make him suffer more if I spoke to him."

"So all that was left for you to do was watch. That must have been very hard Agent?"

Lisbon wipes a tear away with her hand and looks at the doctor.

"It was and now that we have that established I would like to go and be with Jane."

"How have you felt since your release?"

"Worried about Jane. whether he will pull through or not, worried that Red John is still loose."

"It says you were angry."

"I was, and I am still am, but not at my team. I know they did their best. Tell me doctor wouldn't you be angry?

"Are you angry at Jane?"

"No. Why would I be angry at Jane?"

"He has a propensity for getting in to trouble, do you see what happened as his fault?"

"No, this wasn't one of his crazy schemes, Red John kidnapped him, tortured him and tried to kill him.

"Do you feel angry at him because he's not waking up?"

"No, what stupid questions are these? The man is trying to heal. I am grateful for each day that he is still alive. He's fighting for his life and at this moment in time he's winning."

Lisbon gets up to leave, her hand is on the door.

"Agent. You were helpless to stop his torture and now you are helpless to aid his recovery. Does that make you angry."

Lisbon walks back towards the doctor:

"What makes me angry is having to stand here and answer these questions rather than at my partner's side where I don't feel useless. I like to think that he knows that I am there, that he can feel my hand in his and that he is taking strength from it."

"I hope that's true Agent."

"When Red John left us, Jane fought back, he heard me calling him and he fought back from where ever he had gone. He- he-he- said my name. He needs me doctor and I will be there for him. So if you will be kind enough to stop wasting my time."

"You have deep feelings for Mr. Jane."

"Of course I do he's my partner. If you have been around law enforcement at all you will know the bond that exists between partners."

"But he's not your partner Agent Lisbon he's your consultant."

"Yes, but we have been through as much, if not more than most partners do, take this latest chapter. I have seen him put himself back together time and time again as Red John has messed with him. We watch each others back, as much as he causes trouble I know I can trust him with my life, in every sense we are partners. "

The doctor smiles:

"Certainly agent. I will sign you off, I needed to make sure that you were in a place where you can help Jane. You are the one he will rely on, it's going to be hard and I have to make sure you can handle it, for both of you. When Jane is doing better and you find you have issues you need to deal with, please call me, I know you're not interested in dealing with them right now, or if it all gets too much for you, I am here to help. Take my card Agent and good luck to you both."

Lisbon hesitates, taken by surprise:

"Thank-thank you...So I can go?"

"Yes Agent Lisbon you can go."

Lisbon takes the offered card and walks out the door breathing a sigh of relief.

At the hospital she's once again sat at Jane's side. Cho, who had taken her place for the morning, reported no change. Lisbon is mulling over her visit with the psychiatrist who has risen in her estimation tremendously since stepping through her door. Suddenly, Jane grips her hand hard, the heart monitor begins to beat rapidly. Lisbon is out of her chair

"Jane?"

Jane's eyes pop open, a nurse rushes in:

"Jane"

Jane is looking about wildly and doesn't seem aware of his surroundings.

"Mr. Jane, can you hear me? You are in the hospital."

Jane shows no response

The monitor is not settling down, the nurse reads the outputs, looks at Lisbon,

"Will you be alright here while I get the doctor?"

Lisbon nods

Jane's hold has not lessened, Lisbon tries again

"Jane, it's Lisbon, you're in the hospital, you're safe, it's over."

The nurse comes back and pushes a needle in to his IV, within moments Lisbon feels Jane's hold relax, he is looking at her as his eyes close and for just a moment she is certain she saw a change, she saw recognition.

Jane looks at his hand, there is a hole through the palm and coming up through the hole is a string, he follows it as it reaches up into the roof and is surprised to find that there is no roof but that the string carries on up in to the heavens. He then notices the same with his other hand, he looks down and it is the same with his feet. He regrets the holes made in his favourite shoes. He leans back as far as he can but he can't see the end of the strings. Suddenly his right hand moves up to his face shielding his eyes, The movement catches him by surprise and he's certain it wasn't by his doing. It still doesn't help him to see the end, he faces forward and all there is in front of him is darkness, a thick, impenetrable darkness. His instincts tell him to run in the opposite direction. His right foot moves awkwardly forward followed by his left, he tries to resist as his feet continue to move him in to the darkness, but it is impossible. He realizes that if he looks like a puppet and walks like a puppet, he must be a puppet and he has a good idea who the puppet master is. He tries to open his mouth to shout the name of his nemesis but he can't, it has been sewn shut. He wonders how he hasn't felt the stitches until now. His feet continue to propel him forward. The darkness is suffocating, oppressive, it hurts to breath. as if the darkness is pressing down on to his chest. He tries to resist each step but he has no control. To take his mind away from the darkness he concentrates on the rhythm of his feet, the speed never changes, a slow pace, telling him that there's no rush to where ever he's being taken. He starts to count, 1...2...3...4...1352...1353...1354. Then relief is before him as a light appears in the distance. He want to run towards it but his feet continue at the same steady pace. He looks up to where his master must be in impatience but there is no quickening of his pace. The light is coming from underneath a door. His hand moves to the knob, as much as Jane wants out of the darkness a dread of what the light may bring suddenly fills him and the dark feels safe and comforting. The door opens and Jane is moved inside. There's a chair with a figure tied to it, in the distance. He recognizes the figure and it brings instant tears to his eyes. His hands refuse to wipe them away and so they begin to drip on to his cheeks. He's being brought ever closer and details emerge, hands tied behind, back arched, feet tied to the back legs, head staring at the ceiling. He feels his heart begin to race, he looks down as he feels his hand grip something cold and hard, a knife. He's brought so close to the victim that he's breathing on her. She feels it and her eyes open. Relief emanates from them until she sees the knife, which is then placed against her throat. As Jane is forced to pull the knife across her neck, she whispers:

"It's all your fault."

Oblivion descends on Jane.

The sensations that are assaulting Jane's groggy mind send him in to confusion. He feels pain but comfort, the smell sends him in to panic but he's warm. As he becomes more aware the picture comes together, it's a hospital smell, a hospital bed, he feels someone holding his hand, a small, soft hand, he knows who the owner is. He pulls his hand away, he hears her voice.

"Jane, it's alright it's me Lisbon. You're safe, you're in the hospital."

He feels her taking his hand again, he opens his eyes and sees her face.

"Hey"

His voice is weak, she smiles, joy evident in her eyes. He smiles back.

"Hey, good to have you back. How are you feeling?"

"Alright I guess. Hurt a bit."

"I'll get the nurse."

Jane watches her leave, he rubs his hand against the blanket and moves it under the covers. The door opens and she's back with a nurse in tow. The nurse makes her way to the bed. Jane can tell she's the kind that give hospitals a bad name, efficient, calm and dependable but cold, impersonal, enjoys the work more than the patients. Just the type he wants, just what he deserves. Jane fixates on her every move, she takes note of the outputs from the machines beside his bed, making adjustments when she sees the need. Finally she looks at her patient.

"Hello Mr. Jane good to have you back with the living. My name is Janet, I am your nurse during the day, if there is anything you need just let me know. The doctor will be by shortly to talk with you. Can you remember what happened to you?"

Jane nods his head.

"Is there anything I can get for you?"

Jane shakes his head.

"Okay, rest as much as you can and I'll be back in a little while."

Jane watches her leave, he coughs and it hurts, Lisbon notices the wince.

"Jane you should have asked for more pain medication. I'll call her."

"No."

He can tell that his tone has hurt her. he softens his voice.

"I'm fine, it's just because I coughed."

"Are you sure? Would you like some water?"

Jane shakes his head.

"You're throat will feel better if you have some."

"I'm fine. I'm tired though."

"You go back to sleep. I'll be right here."

Jane closes his eyes but with no intention of going to sleep, he knows it will not bring him peace, but he has to get away from the concern in her eyes. Underneath the covers his hand has found the gauze to the cuts in his thigh, his fingers make their way underneath. They rub back and forth against the stitches until they find a flaw, they tug at the thread, he can feel blood, inside he smiles.


	8. Deal

The Doctor breezes in to Jane's room. He opens his eyes as he catches the smell of Prada. what he sees before him chases away the panic at the arrival of the doctor. His doctor is young for the responsibility she has been given, which means she's intelligent, but doesn't have the wisdom that years and experience bring, she should be a cinch to manipulate. He watches her as she looks at his chart, and then at him and gives him a smile.

"Hello Mr. Jane it is good to see you awake. My name is Dr. Polly, I treated you when you came to us and I would like to examine my handiwork, if that is okay?"

She turns to Lisbon:

"If you could step outside for a few minutes please, Miss Lisbon is it?"

"Teresa Lisbon."

Lisbon looks at Jane and he nods his head. She picks up her purse,

"I'll go get a coffee, don't give her a bad time."

Jane gives a slight smile, he watches her walk out the door. Dr. Polly also watches her leave and then turns to Jane.

"What's going on here Mr. Jane?"

Jane looks quizzically at her.

"You haven't requested any pain medication since you've been awake. I patched you up and know what you have been through. and right now you are in a tremendous amount of pain.

"I'm doing alright, I don't need any medication, I have a high pain tolerance."

"Poppycock Mr. Jane. That's not what your blood pressure readings, or your heart rate, or oxygen levels are telling me. None of them are good. The cuts were not the greatest damage done to you, you're muscles received a lot of trauma and your heart has been severely weakened, you need to be kind to it so that it can recover. Strain needs to be avoided."

"I'm fine I assure you doctor."

Dr. Polly gives up the fight for now.

"Alright let's have a look at you."

"No."

"Mr. Jane..."

"No I don't want anyone looking at me, I told you I 'm fine. I just want out of here."

"Mr. Jane there's no way you can leave this hospital right now. If you want to 'get out of here' then the best way is to co-operate and I will make it my mission to get you better as quickly as possible, but I can't do it alone."

Jane closes his eyes, the pain is slowing down his thinking process. He has to figure out a way to get rid of her and get what he wants...a plan takes seed. He sighs loudly and opens his eyes.

"Okay I'll take the pain medication but please don't touch me...I don't want anyone touching me."

"I have to check that my stitches are good."

"All your read outs are showing that I don't have a fever so the stitches are fine and I can see that you are more than competent at your job, you wouldn't be where you are at such a young age, so I presume you are an excellent seamstress. You say you know what I went through so I'm sure you can understand why I don't want to be touched."

Jane watches as Dr. Polly's face softens at the desperation in his voice.

"Okay Mr. Jane I will give you a little time, but I'm going to have to check them at some point. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Thank you, you've already done enough."

She writes on his chart and looks up at him:

"I'll have the nurse give you the pain medication and will be back to check on you this evening. I will let your friend back in."

"Could you tell her that I'm going back to sleep and I would like her go home for a while and get some rest and I would prefer you not to discuss my condition with her, she isn't family."

The doctor nods:

"Sure."

As the doctor leaves, Jane's hand returns to the stitches in his leg.

Lisbon is waiting outside the room with a coffee in her hand.

"How is he Doctor?"

"I'm sorry I can't discuss his condition with you."

"I'm his partner and friend. He has no one else."

"I'm sorry I can't. Mr. Jane's going to sleep and asked me to tell you to go home and get some rest."

The doctor can see that Lisbon is stunned. She softens her tone.

"Mr. Jane has been through a terrible ordeal, his physical injuries may be the easiest thing to heal."

The nurse has given him his pain medication and Jane can feel himself relaxing in to it. He eyes close and he's asleep. A loud bang startles him awake, he's confused he's not in the hospital anymore he's back on the table. He's alone. Frustration floods through him at being kidnapped once more. He doesn't understand how Red John managed to get him out of the hospital. He's not going to let Red John have his way with him again, this time he is going to escape. He tugs at the binds to his wrists and finds that they are not as tight as before and the handcuffs are gone. Hope rises in him and he concentrates until he has his hands free. He quickly pulls at all the other cords binding him to the table, the effort is causing sweat to drip in to his eyes. He jumps down off the table but the damaged muscles in his legs refuses to support him and he drops to the floor, pain tearing through him. He hears the door open and hands upon him and he struggles and shouts to try and get away, but there are too many and they're too strong, he's pulled to his knees, he feels kind hands and soft words that fill him with horror and he begs for torture, begs for pain, begs to die. He feels a needle pierce his skin.

Doctor Polly and Janet call for help and soon there are enough hands to lift Jane's unconscious form back on the bed. The nurse reattaches wires and the iv, while the doctor examines him to see what damage Jane's nightmare has done. They work without speaking, silenced by the horror of the scene they've witnessed. The nurse leaves for other duties, Dr. Polly sits down in the visitors chair and looks upon her patient, now understanding she has no idea what he has been through.

When Jane wakes up hours later, the room is in darkness, how long have I been asleep he wonders. He breathes a sigh of relief at the realization that he is in the hospital, and that he'd only had a nightmare, he was use to nightmares, he could handle nightmares. His attention is caught by the russle of paper, he's surprised to find Dr Polly sitting in the visitors chair instead of Lisbon. The relief he feels covers him with shame. He doesn't understand why he's finding the presence of his best friend unsettling, she's the one he usually counts on to pull him through the hard times but he can barely look at her.

"Hello Mr. Jane"

" Patrick is fine."

Okay Patrick."

Silence follows and Jane look quizzically at her. She clears her throat:

"Patrick you had a nightmare, do you remember any of it?"

Jane gives her his most honest gaze,

"No."

You pulled out your IV and wires and got out of bed, you were trying to escape."

"I don't like hospitals."

"That's what I've heard, but you didn't think you were in the hospital."

"I don't remember."

Jane meets the Doctors eyes trying to convince her of his honesty. Horror fills him at the thought that there were witnesses to his dream, that it wasn't just a dream, he had lived it. he looks down and his hand is trembling, he hides it under the covers. He hopes with all his might, that all his pleading had only been spoken in his mind. Looking at the Doctor, he knows that his hope is in vain.

"You pleaded for torture, pain and death. Can you tell me why you would do that."

"I don't know, I-I-I-I don't remember."

The Doctor looks at Jane her eyes full of compassion.

"Okay, I will let the matter drop if you will explain why you don't want me to tell Lisbon about your condition? It's obvious that the two of you have a bond. She says she's your best friend."

"She is."

"Then why Patrick?"

"I don't know."

Doctor Polly decides to take a try at his ego.

"For a man with a reputation for knowing everything, you don't know a lot."

Jane shrugs.

"Patrick, I told you that if you want to get out of here you need to co-operate. That means, not just your medications and physical care, but every part of you, emotional, and mental. There's no shame in having issues to deal with after what you've been through."

Jane recognizes her sincerity and he's growing to like the woman. He's obviously misjudged the pushover she would be.

"They're just nightmares, I've learned to deal with nightmares before and I will do it again. I want to forget about it and get back to my life."

"How can you get back to your life when you're rejecting the most important part of it?"

Jane leans back in to his pillow, his voice comes out a whisper,

"Lisbon."

"Yes Lisbon."

"Alright, if I give you permission to talk to her about me will you leave me alone."

Doctor Polly represses a smile. She didn't expect to get what she wanted so soon.

"Okay Patrick that will do for now. "

She stands up and Jane hears her leave.

Lisbon is sat on the chairs outside of Jane's room waiting impatiently for the doctor. She rises immediately when the door starts to open. The Doctor hushes Lisbon's' attempt to speak by putting her finger to her mouth. She then indicates for her to follow. She's led into the Doctors office and invited to sit down. Lisbon is curious and worried about what it's all about.

"Something happened with Jane?"

"First he's given me permission to talk to you about his recovery. Physically I have no worries, as long as he does what he's supposed to do he will recover nicely. His muscles are weak but with physiotherapy they will regain their strength. Most of his cuts I expect to heal without scarring but some were just too deep. The burns may also scar, only time will tell."

Lisbon nods.

"What worries me more is his mental health. He had a nightmare earlier. It was very real to him. He thought Red John had kidnapped him and he tried to escape. We found him on the floor by his bed when we went to investigate why all his readouts had gone to zero. When we tried to help him back to bed he thought we were his captors, and he became very distressed."

"Surely that's understandable."

"Yes, but something more horrible than the torture happened to him, or at least Mr. Jane considers it more horrible. It may take some time to find out what happened, he won't be able to cope with his captivity without dealing with it, right now he denies any knowledge."

"That's his defense strategy when something makes him feel uncomfortable. Is there something I can do Doctor?"

"Do you feel able to talk about what happened during your captivity?"

"After being kidnapped I woke up, tied to a chair, in front of Jane, who was bound and gagged. He was unconscious at first, but he then began to wake up but was having difficulty as Red John had drugged him."

"How do you know he'd been drugged?"

"Red John told me. He was in the room with us. Red John used a whip on Jane to bring him back to consciousness and then he started cutting him."

"Was Jane aware that you were there."

"I don't think he was at first, he didn't react in any way to what was happening to him, he just stared at the ceiling. It was only after Red John had left and I called his name that he responded. He said my name, Teresa."

"Does he usually call you Teresa?"

"No, he has sometimes, but rarely. What's this all about?"

"Tell me about your relationship with Jane."

"We are partners and best friends. He joined the CBI not long after the death of his wife and daughter. His main purpose was to use us to pursue Red John, but over the years we have grown close. We've been through a lot together. He's been there for me, even saved my life once, and I've been there for him, not just as a cop, but lifting him when life is hard for him. We trust each other, we confide in each other. He's frustrating sometimes, and he will hide things, but it's in a misguided effort to protect me."

"He seems to feel shame in your presence, but I can't see any reason for it in what you have told me. Some men feel shame about being seen as weak in those types of situations, but I don't get that from Jane."

"No, he's quite happy to hide behind my gun in dangerous situations."

"I think the first thing we need to do is to discover what's behind his shame, and especially with you, because right now he's alone and he needs to lean on you. And I'm afraid that it will be down to you. I don't think he is going to talk to me about it. Do you think you can handle it? It could get difficult, he could hurt you to protect himself."

"He never tries to protect himself."

"Then maybe he's protecting you."


	9. Shame

Jane feels so tired and knows that he needs to rest if he is going to be on his game to fool everyone, Doctors, nurses, Lisbon. He needs to get out of here, he needs to convince them all that he's okay, reveal just enough. But sleep is even more of an enemy than ever before. A curse of his mind is nightmares, after all these years he's still plagued with the vision of his wife and daughter, no relaxation techniques and other mind exercises have been able to rid him of them, now he has more to add. Then there is the pain, his legs and shoulders scream at him, every movement he makes is agony that only the strongest stuff relieves. There are his cuts and burns, plus the doctor said something about his heart, This is going to be a hard one to sell.

The door opens and Lisbon enters. She gives Jane a smile that he quickly returns before looking away.

"How are you feeling Jane?"

"Okay"

"Good. Everyone sends their best wishes."

Jane nods his acceptance.

"You're going to need to give a statement Jane, the doctor says it has to wait a couple of days until you're stronger."

"I don't remember much, everything is blurry and muddled."

"Just do your best"

Jane nods. Lisbon moves her chair closer to him.

"Is everything alright between us Jane?"

Jane looks at her feigning surprise,

"Yes of course it is."

Lisbon mentally kicks herself for asking the wrong question and Jane doesn't help her out by asking the obvious question in return, which is an answer in itself. He should have followed up by asking why she asked but instead:

"Is Red John dead?"

Lisbon has wondered when she would get this question, she shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

"He isn't even in custody is he?"

Jane's heart monitor registers a quickening of his pulse, he concentrates on trying to slow it down, but he is fighting waves of panic and nausea, his hand moves towards his leg, his fingers find the thread he is working on, his pulse begins to slow. He closes his eyes, it's less obvious than looking away.

"No there was a secret exit. We have a guard posted outside your room, just in case."

"Just in case he wants to try again."

"We won't let him get anywhere near you Jane, I promise"

"You know that's a promise that's impossible to keep."

Lisbon can find no reply. An image of Jane strapped to the chair, bleeding and catatonic, dances unwelcome across her mind and tears spring to her eyes. Jane curious, because of the silence, peeks at her from under his eye lids and is horrified to see Lisbon brushing away tears. He feels an overwhelming desire to comfort her.

"I'm sure it'll be alright, I'm almost certain he's happy with his handiwork, for a while at least."

"Jane I'm sorry we didn't protect you."

Jane's hand pulls harder on the thread

"I'm the one who needs to apologise"

"Jane what on earth do you need to apologise for?"

Even with his eyes closed Jane's pain is evident on his face and in his voice as he chokes on his reply.

"He took you too."

"Jane that wasn't your fault..."

"Lisbon no."

Jane cuts her off, not wanting to hear the false platitudes to make him feel better. Nothing can make him feel better.

"He took you because I wove myself in to your life. Played on your goodness and honesty. Using you for my revenge."

"He didn't hurt me Jane and..."

"He tied to you to a chair, cut you, made you watch while he did horrible, shameful things to me, shameful,I-I-I'm so ashamed."

"Jane he didn't cut me, I made him take me so we could find you. I wasn't there Jane except for the last few hours. You have nothing to be ashamed of Jane, no matter what happened, no matter what Red John did to you, you are the victim."

He hates that word victim. Boscoe called him a victim. He has never seen himself as a victim. Victims deserve compassion, and are innocent.

"I'm not a victim Lisbon.

"Jane"

He looks at his friend, the compassion in her eyes breaks his will, a weariness presses down on him along with the realisation that if he pushes Lisbon away, if he doesn't reach out and accept the help on offer he will be lost.

"I'm tired Lisbon."

There's no denying the truth in his words, as exhaustion cloaks his every word and movement. Lisbon looks at her friend, his eyes open, he looks at her, her heart twists at the despair she see within. She has seen glimpses of the pain that haunts his soul, fed by the horror of his family's murder scene, by loss, by guilt. Normally held in by his sheer force of will, his pride, his fear of pity, his revenge. She recognises that he's not hiding behind anything, he's showing her what he feels right now. A man close to shattering and pleading with her to help keep him together.

"I know Jane and I will help you. I'll be with you."

Jane releases the thread.  
Jane can't bring himself to take his hand out from under the covers, away from his sick version of a comfort blanket. Is it progress that he recognises it as being sick. No more words are said between them. Lisbon sits in the visitors chair, her breathing audible in the silence, he concentrates on the sound while laying with his eyes closed, trying to rest but afraid to sleep.

He's not sure how he feels about the developments. He's embarrassed and scared by the weakness he has shown. My life is about masks and hiding, not allowing anyone to see what is going on inside of me unless it serves a purpose. No one can truly like me if they really know the man I am. Angela was the only one, and I couldn't believe my luck that I found her, and then Red John took her away and I knew that there would be no-one else. For all that Red John has tried to change me, underneath I'm still a con man, it's what I'm comfortable with. I don't think I even know the real me. It is the real me that hired a man to break in to LaRoache's home, that killed a man, that manipulated Red John, that framed a dead man, that helped a felon escape from prison.

He hears Lisbon move in her chair. She's probably trying to find a comfortable position. Hospitals should care more about people's comfort. She should go home and forget about me and yet she's still here. No matter how often I have crossed her lines she has come with me. She seems to feel she can save me. That when Red John's caught that I will be someone of worth. That the things I do are born out of grief. She didn't know me before. I should push her away, save her from me.

Blood wells up as another stitch becomes loose.

Lisbon jerks awake . She looks at Jane, his eyes are closed, he is breathing deeply, but she has seen him sleep often enough to know that he is not relaxed, the tension is evident in his face. She notices his arm moving and her eyes travel down the raised form under the blankets. She sees a red stain on the bed cover.

"Jane, wake up?"

He looks at her through groggy eyes.

"Jane there's blood."

She starts to lift the bed covers.

"No, don't"

"Jane let me see what's going on?"

"Lisbon no."

She reaches for the call button.

"Lisbon, please no."

Lisbon looks at Jane, she sees fear in his eyes.

"Jane wants going on, let me look or I get the nurse."

"No."

Jane stops fighting her, her closes his eyes and nods.

Lisbon gently lifts the cover and finds the gauze covering part of his thigh saturated in blood. Her horror chases from her mind the intimacy with her consultant.

"Jane I need to get the nurse you have a problem here."

"Lisbon?"

"What Jane?"

Jane looks away unable to meet the concern in her eyes.

"Okay"

The stitches in Jane's leg were repaired and they sent Lisbon home as it was way past visiting hours. She didn't get much sleep as her concern for Jane kept her brain active. She was up, dressed and on her way to the hospital as soon as she was sure they would let her in. She enters the room to find Jane awake, he smiles at her and waves in greeting as if everything is alright with the world, but Lisbon can see it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Good morning Jane"

"Morning Lisbon. Nice of you to come and keep me company. You look a little tired, perhaps you should have slept some more."

"I wasn't sleeping much Jane, worrying about you?"

Jane makes a dismissive gesture,

"Bah no need to worry about me the Doc fixed me up easy peasy and everything is fine."

"Everything is fine huh"

"Yep, I'm feeling much better today, I'm on some new tablets that are the real thing, why they were giving me imposters before is a mystery. Hospitals are not places to be trusted Lisbon, they like to torture you under the disguise of help.

Lisbon studies Jane, for a moment she wonders about helping him keep up the charade but experience tells her that in the end it will be of no help to him.

"Jane, I know you are the king of illusion. You can make people see things that are not there. You can make them act in ways of your choosing. But there are no illusions between us anymore and if you want me to help you, as you asked me too, then you need to be honest."

"Lisbon I don't know what you are talking about, I am being honest. And I fool you all the time."

Lisbon's tone shows her frustration

"Jane, just stop. I'm a police officer, a homicide detective, I have seen what people do to each other..."

"You're not exactly saying anything I don't already know."

"...I've seen what people can do to themselves."

Lisbon softens her tone.

"I saw the blood on your fingers, you pulled those stitches out."

"Lisbon I didn't"

"Jane you did. Just tell me what's going on. You know you can trust me. I want to help you. I saw Jane, I saw the marks of the abuse he put you through. Let me help you."

Jane catches his breath and looks away.

"I was weak Lisbon."


	10. revelations

Jane's despair and shame is written clearly on his face. It tears at Lisbon's heart. She fills with fury towards Red John. The man before her put himself back together once before after being torn apart by Red John, she prays he can do it again, that she can help him.

"Jane you have nothing to be ashamed of. You've been in the clutches of your nemesis and survived. That's not weak."

"You don't know Lisbon."

"Jane I sat across from you, I saw him take you close to death but you've not let him win."

"Shush Lisbon you don't know everything."

Jane turns his whole body away from her.

"I can't do this Lisbon. I can't talk about it."

Lisbon gently puts her hand on him, feeling him stiffen she takes it away.

"Okay Jane. That's fine. What can you talk about.?"

Jane releases the breath he was holding as he feels Lisbon's hand lift from him. He hates himself for the hurt, he's certain' he's causing her. But there is nothing he seems to be able to do about it. Each time he tries to make her believe that he's fine, that she doesn't need to worry about him, that nothing is wrong. She breaks down his defenses. He hears her question and grasps on to it. Maybe they can talk about something else, just not that! He has to keep away from that! He turns back over.

"I'm sorry Lisbon that he took you too."

"He didn't hurt me Jane. It was my doing. It was the only way we could find out where you were."

"It was too big of a risk."

"You would have done it for me. Time was of the essence. He had already had you for so long. I should apologise to you. I should have realized about the notes. Looking back there was a sinister tone to them. I saw you were getting anxious and I ignored it."

"I was going to talk to you about it but the case interrupted it. Have you solved that one, or are you waiting for me?"

Lisbon smiles.

"We had another one that we deemed more important. Someone else is dealing with it."

"If they want to send over the case files. I'll take a look."

"I'm sure that will go over a treat. Hey my near to death consultant would like the files as he thinks he can close it quicker than you. Nice change of subject, by the way."

Jane musters up the best innocent look he can manage.

"We got you out of there, that's what matters."

Jane manages to stop blurting out the words in his head - I wish you hadn't. Instead he nods.

"I'm tired Lisbon, I need to sleep. You don't need to stay."

"I'm not going anywhere Jane."

Jane nods and closes his eyes.

Jane is shivering, it's not suppose to be this way. He opens his eyes and darkness is all that is before him. He tries to move and becomes aware of chains around his hands and feet, they are heavy and cold. Realization hits that he's chained to a bed. Underneath he feels a softness that almost tickles him. He squirms to test his restraints and is rewarded with them squeezing tighter around his wrists and ankles.

"The more you fight the tighter they will become."

The voice startles Jane, It seems familiar and he searches his mind for a name, but the answer alludes him. He peers through the darkness looking for a shape, or movement to betray his captors presence. There is nothing. He opens his mouth to engage in conversation, words are all he has to save himself. Nothing comes out. He tries again, everything seems in perfect working order. His throat is relaxed, his mouth is moist, his tongue moves as it should, his lips open and close and forms the shapes needed for words, but no sound emits itself into the darkness. All his efforts only add to the silence that has descended once more. Sweat has formed along his body, the room at first cold is now like a raging furnace.

When it's cold he longs for the heat, when it's hot he longs for the cold. There's a short moment when the temperature is just right, when his body isn't shivering or sweating, he waits for that moment, he captures every nuance of it, every beautiful moment of normalcy, he can believe he's in his own bed, just waiting for the dawn.

He stopped moving long ago. The chains close to breaking his wrists and ankles. Every now and then he tries his voice, but silence still reigns. Nothing more has been heard from his captor, he suspects he's been abandoned to a lingering horrific destruction.

Has it been hours or days, he has no idea. He has developed an obsession with his breathing. Not the number of breaths he's taken, but the rhythm. It's been fascinating to document the changes. The changes in length, in speed, in depth. Changes caused by temperature, by pain, by hunger, by impending death. If his breaths were the notes of a musical composition he is now the flute, playing soft and light and slow.

A soft noise makes him turn his head, is that a touch, as gentle as a falling petal, but darkness is all that is before him, a trick of his dying mind. He closes his eyes once more and returns to his symphony, as the last note is written, an almost imperceptible strike of a triangle, a note that floats away on the back of a feather. the room floods with light. It penetrates through his eyelids and he sees everything clearly. He's not surprised to find himself looking down on his lifeless form, he always denied the existence of an afterlife but now that it's here. it feels like he's always known. But what's Lisbon doing by his bedside. How? He can tell she is talking through the tears that fall and he desires to hear her words. As if desire is all it takes, he finds himself moving towards her. Her voice reaches his ears.

"Jane, I've been here all along, all you have to do is call my name, I can free you Jane, it's up to you."

"Teresa."

 

Lisbon jumps to her feet as she hears Jane say Teresa. His eyes are still closed but his brow is furrowed.

"Jane, I'm here."

Jane opens his eyes and gives her a small smile.

"Are you alright?"

Jane looks into the concerned eyes of the woman before him. Flash of light diverts his attention to the cross around her neck. If there is one thing that could make him believe that God exists it's Lisbon in his life. A ray of light in his dark world coloured by misery, self loathing, hate, blood. But if God did exist surely He would have kept Lisbon well away from him. Protected her from his lies, from his self absorption, from his darkness. It's impossible now to think about walking away. It wouldn't do any good. They are going down a path from which there are no detours, no turns offs, no u turns. Each one in too deep, too invested in each other, trying to save each other. Each one in plain sight of the evil they chase. He's looked that evil in the eye, experienced it, felt it's breath upon his neck, it's hands upon his body, tasted it!

"Jane are you alright?"

Jane doesn't know what to say. His usual 'I'm fine' chokes in his throat. But what can he say? How does he start?

The door interrupts and an auxiliary worker walks in. Jane stares at what's in her hands. Lisbon also turns and addresses the nurse,

"Those for Jane?"

"Yes they were left at the front desk, there isn't a name on the card just a symbol see"

Staring at them is the familiar red smiley face

Lisbon feels tremors running through Jane's hand beneath hers. She turns to him and he is deathly white. His entire body is shaking. She turns to the nurse.

"Give me the card and take them away. Now!"

As the shocked worker leaves, taking the strawberries with her, a nurse takes her place, reacting to the increased heart rate read outs being related to the machines at the nurses station. Jane is shaking even harder. Lisbon rubs his hand,

"Jane calm down, everything's fine. He can't get you in here, I won't let him.

Lisbon receives no response.

"Jane look at me. It's Lisbon. You're here with me and you're safe. Nothing's going to happen to you."

Jane closes his eyes and takes deep breaths. His shaking begins to lessen and the beeps become steady. The nurse catches Lisbon's eye and smiles reassuringly. They watch over Jane as he continues to calm. Lisbon puts the card into her pocket. She feels Jane's hand move beneath hers and he takes her hand, he opens his eyes.

"Are you alright now Mr. Jane?"

Jane's attention moves to the nurse.

"Yes thank you. I had a bit of a shock, that's all."

The nurse checks his vitals and writes in the notes and leaves.

Lisbon takes her phone out of her pocket.

"I'll just call Cho and have him collect this card and chase down the delivery."

Jane's pressure on her hand increases.

"No, stay Lisbon."

Lisbon nods, knowing the chances of finding anything is nil anyway.

"Strawberries are a strange gift."

Jane knows this is his chance, an opening. Fear grips his stomach, will this be the end of their friendship, will she be able to even look at him again. Deep down he knows that Lisbon is a better person than that. He opens his mouth before he has the chance to change his mind.

"He-he-he- fed me strawberries."

His words come out soft, Lisbon sees disgust written on Jane's face, he refuses to meet her eyes.

"Jane?"

He looks at her but cannot keep her gaze as he speaks again.

"While he had me tied to a table, we shared strawberries and cream, he cut my thigh if I didn't eat."

Lisbon thinks of the stitches in his leg that he pulled on. Realization dawns.

"Jane..."

"I just let him Lisbon, one cut and I let him."

Jane can't look at her. He wishes he could take it all back. He wishes...he wishes...he wishes it could all be taken back. That none of it had happened. That he was back on the couch at CBI listening to the familiar sounds, mulling over a case. Feeling...in control. He feels Lisbon touch his shoulder.

Lisbon is in shock. Her hatred of Red John moves up to a different level. She's watched as Red John has taunted Jane, letting him get so close and then pulling the rug from under him. Jane has recovered every time, more determined than before, willing to go to greater lengths, willing to give his all to catch the man who murdered his family. A loss that almost destroyed Jane but he found a way back, it may have been on the road of vengeance, but it saved him. Now Red John has attacked him physically and until this moment it has been her greatest fear. Something she knew would happen one day, she had hoped that she would be there to stop it, to protect him, but those twisted letters had just been the start of an even sicker game to play with Jane. She sends a silent prayer that she'll be able to help him. She touches his shoulder to bring his attention back to her.

"Jane you have nothing to feel ashamed about. He's a sick man who wants to destroy you, in any way he can."

"I know Lisbon, and I allowed him to do this to me. I should have resisted."

"You could be dead."

"But it would have been a victorious death. He would have failed."

Lisbon catches her breath. She hates it when he talks about his death so nonchalantly. Will he ever learn to value his life.

"Your death is never a victory Jane, only for him."

"If my death was his victory he would have killed me instead of my family."

"He can still fail Jane.

Jane looks at her, searching her face for any sign of deceit. There's none, a flame of hope ignites inside of him. so small it only registers in his subconscious.


	11. beginning

Lisbon looks at her partner and best friend, hoping she can find the words that will help him.

"He can fail Jane by your recovery, by not letting him have this victory, you can snatch it away from him."

Jane answer is soft

"I don't know if I can Lisbon"

Lisbon squeezes his hand.

"That's okay Jane you don't have to...we can do it. We won't let him have this victory. You and me, together we're a formidable team."

Jane gives Lisbon a small smile.

"I guess I can give you some of the credit."

Jane feels himself relax a little as the first really genuine smile graces Lisbon's face. He hates the worry he's causing her. He knows that he can be a selfish person. His obsession with Red John mars everything in his life, and when he's being honest with himself, it mars those around him. Everyone' s touched by it and no one more than the woman before him. She put herself into the hands of the monster just to save him. It could have turned out so different, she could be laying in a hospital bed right now, or in the morgue! What on earth is he doing!

"You're right Lisbon. I have to do this."

"You're the strongest man I know. You pulled yourself back from oblivion and made a life for yourself, against all odds. What you have been through over the years could have destroyed you but you wouldn't let it. You've come back time and time again. Deep down you're a survivor Patrick Jane."

"It's called vengeance Lisbon."

"I don't care what title you give it, but I see a man who also finds joy in the beautiful things of this world. A man who snatches at brief respite's from death, murder and revenge when ever he has the chance. Sometimes it can take the form of irritating someone for his own amusement, but it's there - a desire for more.

"You think too much of me."

"You think too little."

Jane doesn't know how to reply. He knows himself very well. He was brought up a con man. A con man is a polite way to put it, he was a fraud. He cheated people for his own gain, lied to them and took their money. Preyed on the most vulnerable. That such an angel as Angela loved him and agreed to share her life with him was a miracle he took for granted. He was so full of himself that he refused to see it. The 'Great Patrick Jane', 'The Boy Wonder'. Such egotistical titles which he swallowed hook, line and sinker. Then he was blessed with a beautiful girl, but did that bring him to his senses, no! He somehow thought that Charlotte was nothing more than he deserved. Yes he loved her, adored her, but he never appreciated the gift he had been given. Then they were viciously taken away from him. A tremor runs through his body as the memory of that night floods his mind. The note, the fear, the blood, the death masks, the agony, the tearing down of an ego, the annihilation of a man.

Lisbon watches his silence. She sees him deflate and feels a tremor run through his body. She recognizes the look on his face and knows what's going through his mind.

"Jane."

He turns to her with a look as if he'd forgotten she was there.

"Don't do this to yourself Jane, you made mistakes but Red John killed your family - not you."

"I should have been better."

"Yes you probably should, but a lot of people should, they don't have their families killed because of it."

"My life has always been based on a sham...and still is. I lie to you. I lie to the world. I'm seen as this great detective, who catches murderers. I do this work because it gets me nearer to Red John. I get to work his cases and have asses to his files. There's nothing real about me Lisbon."

"Our partnership is real, your friendship is real."

"I've put a target on your back Lisbon, what kind of a friend would do that?"

"You didn't Jane, I did. I was already on the Red John case, that's why you came to me remember? I may not of understood entirely what I was taking on when I signed up with you, but I did when it came to Red John. Everything about your case showed that Red John considered you different, and I knew that getting close to you meant getting close to Red John. I made that decision because I'm a cop and I want Red John."

Jane sighs, she has answers for everything. He looks upon this woman who has become his saviour of sorts. She calls him strong but all his strength comes from her. She's his foundation, when his world seems to be built on sand and in danger of crumbling around him, he only has to look on her and he knows that there is good in the world. That there is someone he can count on. someone he can lean on. She's never failed him, even when she should walk away she's stayed by his side. He really isn't worthy and yet she stays, does it diminish her for him to think such thoughts of himself?

"I feel tired Lisbon."

"Then get some rest."

"Will you stay?"

"Of course"

Lisbon watches as Jane's eyes close and his breathing becomes deep and regular. His face seems more relaxed, or is it her imagination wishing it so. She leans back in her chair stretching her legs out in front of her, trying to remove the tension within herself. Is she helping Jane? She hopes so, she has to, she will.

Jane wakes up disorientated, he blinks against the darkness. His heart begins to race as his mind clears and he realizes what has awoken him. The door to his room hisses to a close and a large dark shadow leans against it. Although he can't see his face, he knows who it is. He glances towards the visitor's chair that Lisbon seems to always occupy but it's empty.

"She not here Patrick, it's just you and me."

The shadow walks to the end of the bed, a hand reaches out and strokes Jane's foot under the covers, Jane pulls away but the hand is quick and grabs it.

"Now Patrick that's not very friendly. I enjoyed our time together so much I have plans to repeat it, and you enjoyed it too, I'm certain of that Patrick."

Jane feels his foot being twisted under the covers, he concentrates on not crying out. The hand releases and the shadow moves out of the dark. Red John is wearing a mask as usual, a ridiculous smiling mask. He sits down on the side of the bed and Jane inches his body away. Red John lets out a sigh.

"I'm here to apologize to you Patrick. I was wrong to treat you so badly, you almost died. I'm so glad that Agent Lisbon saved you, I would've missed you. What we have is beautiful, don't you agree."

Jane is fighting nausea and panic. He's concentrating on calming his heart rate which he knows is beating too fast, only hearing half of what Red John is saying to him. His hand finds the thread, with every twist and pull he feels his heart slow. Red John leans in close.

"I know you miss me too Patrick. I know you enjoyed our time together as much as I did."

Jane's eyes move once more to the empty visitors chair. Red John's eyes fill with anger.

"She's left you Patrick. She sees you as a pathetic creature. Did you really think she'd stick around after you told her what we did together. She's ashamed of you Patrick.

"No I'm not."

Jane looks past Red John to Lisbon standing just inside the doorway, her gun drawn, her hand steady as it points at Red John's head.

"I suggest you put your hands up and move away from the bed or I will shoot you and with great pleasure."

"I don't think Patrick would like that, do you? He loves me, he's just not totally aware of it yet. But my death will bring him new enlightenment and he will hate you agent. Do you really want that?"

Red John lays his hand on Jane's stomach , Jane squirms under his touch. He moves his hand slowly, gently up Jane's body.

"Patrick have you ever thought what your life will be like without me? Have you ever wondered why you haven't caught me? Deep down you don't want to. It's not me you hate, it's the life you're living, spending time with people who don't understand your brilliance. Minions who bore you. With me you have stimulation, I challenge you Patrick, I keep you feeling alive, without me you'll die. Come with me Patrick, leave boredom and loneliness behind. With me you will have love."

Jane is staring past Red John at Lisbon. Red John grabs him by the throat and turn Jane's face towards his own. His hold tightens.

"Come with me Patrick."

Jane is struggling for air and then Red John's face is gone,something wet splatters on him, simultaneously the grasp on his throat slackens and then he hears the sound of the shot as Red John's body begins a slow slide to the ground.

Jane looks to Lisbon and sees her holster her gun, she moves to the body and checks for a pulse though it's obvious that there's no life. She takes a wipe and begins to clean Jane's face. It feels cool on his skin. Suddenly Jane is wracked by violent shakes. Lisbon throws the wipe away and takes his hand speaking soothingly to him.

"It's alright Jane, I'm here, try to calm down, you're safe now.

Jane closes his eyes and slowly his body relaxes as he concentrates on her voice and gentle touch.

Lisbon continues to gently rub his hand after Jane's body has stopped shaking, afraid that letting go might cause them to begin again. The doctor waves away the nurse who's enters the room carrying the sedative the doctor has ordered.

"We don't need it now nurse."

They both leave the room. As Lisbon's attention returns to Jane she finds him looking at her.

"Thank you Lisbon for not leaving."

"I'm not going anywhere Jane."

"I know."

He slowly closes his eyes and is back to sleep.

Lisbon moves her chair sideways to the bed, takes his hand once more and sinks into the chair. She watches his chest moving up and down in a regular deep pattern, until her own eyes close. Her hold on her partner slackens and Jane wakes once more and takes her hand.


	12. fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos. They made my day.

Jane can hear Lisbon talking quietly in her sleep as such rest eludes him. The nightmare still real in his mind, Red John's voice still sounding in his ears, the feel of his blood and stuff, he'd rather not contemplate, on his face, the sound of the gun echoing around the room, the relief he felt when he saw Lisbon in the doorway. The feeling of helplessness as Red John taunts had nailed him to the bed. Every fiber of his being had wanted to stop him from touching him, but he'd been unable to move, to get away, to do anything to defend himself. His only recourse had been to abuse himself, finding comfort in causing pain. He felt at the mercy of his tormentor, with no escape. But Lisbon brought hope, and strength, fear replaced with certainty of rescue.

He's not an idiot, even in his disturbed state he realises that his dreams have been a measure of his inner conflict, of his recovery. Red John's hold over him is loosening and his road to redemption is Lisbon. She's his light out of the darkness. She's holding it high and steady, along the path he needs to follow, he can feel that they are almost there, a few more steps and the torment will be behind him, behind a door he need never open. It's his choice.

As if realising the danger of defeat, images flash through his mind of his time with Red John. He can smell strawberries, he can feel burning as the knife cuts through his thigh, he can taste Red John! He's overwhelmed with feelings of shame and disgust. He sees Red John's face, he looks into his eyes, he's startled to see the emptiness within. The images change to the scalpel in Red John's hand, the sting as it opens up his skin, Red John staring at his blood as it relishes it's freedom. Jane can see the delirium upon Red John's face as his blood flows and ebbs at the monsters command. This is Red John's love, this is what excites him, blood is where his heart lies. The rest is just a game, calculated to destroy him. A back up plan, should he be rescued. Anger surges through him, anger at Red John, anger at himself.

A pain radiating from her hand wakes Lisbon

"Ow Jane"

Jane immediately relinquished his hold. It's not very often Lisbon's witnessed Jane openly angry. He usually keeps it controlled. There's a subtle look in his eye and tone to his voice that warns Lisbon that Jane isn't happy about what's happened or with what's being said. He will retaliate in a masked passive aggressive manner that can often go unrecognised by the recipient of his anger. But the look on Jane's face can not be mistaken for anything else. His eyes are boiling, his teeth clenched, it's consuming his entire body.

"Jane what happened? Are you alright?"

Jane remembers the last time he felt this angry. It's only happened once before and it was caused by the same animal.

_The funeral has been hard, watching his life, his love, being committed to the earth, entombed forever. Never being in his arms again, never smelling their sweet scents again, never feeling the touch of their lips again. He knows he will never live or love again. His in-laws finally go home, every effort of human communication has been difficult, he's weary of having to thank, acknowledge, respond. He closes the door and silence, emptiness descends. He has longed for this moment, his house has been full of so many people, the emergency services, family, well wishers, everyone but the two people he longs for, his heart aches for. Now there is no-one, no sounds except him, his footsteps, his breath, his heartbeat. He wanders around the rooms, memories cutting into his flesh, he feels each sting. agonizing, burning, feeding. It starts when he steps on a little tea-cup of Charlotte's, his feet bare, the physical pain takes him by surprise and he stoops down, picks it up and hurls it across the room, it hits a photograph on the opposite wall and cracks the glass. He rushes over to it, takes it off the wall and throws it to the ground, the glorious sound of breaking glass fills his ears. He grabs another photograph and hurls it to the floor, then another and another. He is out of photos so he moves to nicknacks and then furniture. He moves from room to room, throwing, tearing destroying everything he can find, each action fueling his anger more and more. He finishes in the bedroom he shares - shared - with his wife. As each one of her personnel items shatters on the floor, he becomes weaker and weaker, he collapses on to the floor. He realises he's crying and wipes at his face. He catches sight of his hands, they are red with blood, he begins to feel the pain from cuts on his hands and his feet he never realized he h'd received. He stares at the blood, he picks up a shard of glass from the dressing mirror and slowly drags it across his wrist. he watches the blood until oblivion takes him. ___

__"Jane?"_ _

__Lisbon's voice drags him from his memories, he clenches his fists, feeling his fingers dig in to his palms. He stares in to her eyes, drinking in her concern, letting it wash away his anger, knowing she doesn't deserve it and that possibly he doesn't too. He feels himself slowly relax. He allows a little smile to form._ _

__"I'm fine Lisbon, I think I'm going to be fine."_ _

__Lisbon gives his hand a squeeze._ _

__"That's good to hear."_ _

__"I didn't want rescuing. I wanted blackness, no thoughts, no feelings, no memories. I wanted to give up. I was happy for it to be over. Red John, the chase, the game._ _

__"It's not a game to you Jane."_ _

__"Isn't it? Sometimes I wonder and which is worse? After ten years is it better that it's a game or that it's my life. Sometimes I wonder what Angela would think about what I'm doing. I know you do._ _

__The smile he gives Lisbon is part grimace._ _

__"Red John took away my life that night and I've handed him the rest of it and that's not enough for him."_ _

__Lisbon isn't sure what to say. She would love to tell him to give it all up, leave it to someone else to find Red John, that he's given enough. She almost lost him. Images she knows, she'll never forget, are constantly appearing before her, unasked, unwanted. He lies in a hospital bed, his body weakened and scarred. His mind violated. How she never wants to hear Red John's name again. But she knows that it's impossible. This case is theirs whether they want it or not. The FBI or Homeland Security may think they are in charge of the case but they not. They're only being allowed to keep it because Jane is still actively investigating and obviously Red John knows that._ _

__"You must be close Jane."_ _

__"I am! I'm sure I am."_ _

__Jane leans back into his pillows and lets out a deep sigh._ _

__"I know I can't give up. I know it can only be his life or mine. I can't risk anyone else. I have to believe that I survived Red John's attempt to kill me for a reason and not just because you got lucky..."_ _

__Jane flashes her a smile and Lisbon warms to hear him tease again and is happy to take the insult._ _

__"I'm not letting him win Lisbon. He's not destroying my life or my sanity._ _

__"You'll always be stronger than him."_ _

__Jane looks at this woman whose been by his side for so long now. Whose compassion caused her to take him under her wing. From the very beginning she's tried to save him from Red John, from himself. She understood the road he was choosing when he first stepped into the CBI headquarters and she put before him a different path. As he's straddled both of them she has walked beside him, gently and sometime forcibly, cajoling him to see life - his life - a different way._ _

__"I'm sorry Lisbon."_ _

__Lisbon is surprised at the statement and her initial reaction is to brush it off but the intensity shining from his eyes silences her._ _

__"You're always there for me. I've repaid you by ignoring you, lying to you and using you."_ _

__Lisbon searches his face for any indication that he's playing her, but she knows in her heart that the man is too broken for such games._ _

__"Jane you've only done what you thought was best."_ _

__"I know you don't believe that. I'm trying to be honest with you and want you to do the same. Don't be nice because I'm in a hospital bed. I've only ever done what it best for me, for my vengeance. No real thought given to anyone else - to you. I've caused you to cross so many lines that your career is in jeopardy should anyone find out, and most probably your life."_ _

__"I chose to cross those lines Jane."_ _

__"You just think you did. I'm the master of manipulation remember Lisbon. I only know how to play people."_ _

__Lisbon recoils at his words, almost as if he'd slapped her._ _

__"That's not true. It's not been manipulation. I know your game too well Jane. You wouldn't do that to me. Maybe at first, but not since we've been friends, since we've shared so much."_ _

__Jane sees tears shining in her eyes._ _

__"You're just kidding yourself."_ _

__Fire sparks in Lisbon's eyes._ _

__"I'm not kidding myself. The chats we've had, the ice-creams we've shared, the confidences you have entrusted me with..."_ _

__Lisbon is unable to stop her voice from getting louder as she continues._ _

__"...the hugs, the concern, when you chose me over Red John! You're trying to tell me that was all manipulation!_ _

__She takes a deep steadying breath._ _

__"You're wrong Jane. Those things were real. You're a better man than you think you are. There is more to you than revenge."_ _

__"If I am, then why am I here. Why didn't I walk away when I knew that I was risking your life. Not just because you're a cop but because you're my friend."_ _

__"Jane I'm not his target - you are. You're the one laying in this hospital bed recovering from the horrors he inflicted on you. He didn't take me, he took you."_ _

__"Yes I was lucky this time. But he lost and he may look at punishing me. You need to be careful Lisbon. Time is running out for us all. We need to get him - not just me - all of us. It isn't about vengeance anymore it's about protecting those closest to me. I've been so stupid. Only telling you part of what I learn, so I can orchestrate a situation where I'm alone with Red John and can kill him. I'm not going to hide anything, full disclosure from now on, with all the team."_ _

__Jane feels overcome with tiredness as the emotion takes its toll. He leans back and closes his eyes, thoughts and words and emotions enveloping him._ _

__"I know I don't deserve it but I hope you can forgive me."_ _

__"Jane look at me."_ _

__He opens his eyes, recognises the look and rolls his eyes._ _

__"I feel a lecture coming on."_ _

__Lisbon has to stop herself from hitting him._ _

__"Shut up. You're family were brutally taken from you. Who knows how any of us would react in your situation. We have used you as much as you have used us. We know that our best chance of catching Red John is with you on our team. We know that you have a target on your back and we unashamedly exploit it. We comforted ourselves with the idea that we can protect you. We've allowed you to hang yourself out there as bait. We failed as we should have known we would, as deep down we always suspected we would. We both have things to apologize for."_ _

__Jane squeezes her hand._ _

__"That wasn't you, that was the people above you."_ _

__"I was compliant Jane. I could have and should have stopped it."_ _

__"I would've just gone on my own. Which you knew and why you didn't. No one could have stopped it but me. I'm stopping it now. No more personal quest, we work together, find him together. It will still be as dangerous but as you said we're a formidable team. I know that together it will be better, I will be better. We'll be Batman and Robin."_ _

__"You still after that superhero costume."_ _

__Jane laughs, it sounds strange, it's been so long._ _

__"Well you did promise."_ _


	13. Punishment

"Teresa come take a seat. How are you?"

Lisbon's been ordered to visit the CBI psychiatrist. Jane has assured her that he's doing okay and that she shouldn't come visit him until the afternoon. She spent the morning slowly getting ready and making her apartment more presentable until she received the call to come in. She's feeling more relaxed that she has in along time. Going along Jane's road to vengeance while trying to prevent him from doing something stupid, has been exhausting. While she'll never be glad that Red John took Jane and abused him the resulting consequences are something that is surprising and she's grateful for. She takes a seat and looks at the woman who summoned her.

"I'm good thank you."

"That's great to hear and how's Mr. Jane?"

"He's doing well. He's starting physio therapy to strengthen his damaged muscles and his doctor's pleased with how his other injuries are healing."

"How is he coping mentally and emotionally with the experience?"

"He was having a hard time but he eventually opened up to me and he's doing good. He's doing better than he has in a long time I think."

"That's great news. I felt that he would be more likely to open up to you. I've been a victim of his disdain for psychiatrists and doubted that he'd allow me to help him. I have to see him and evaluate him though so I can sign him off."

"He'll be in the hospital for a couple more weeks yet."

"I'll try and pop by and see him after appointments this afternoon. Will you be there."

"Yes I'm going over there now."

"Great I'll see you later."

Jane can tell it's still early by the quite hum of the hospital. He can't wait to be released but fears it'll be a while hates hospitals. They're never good places to rest, people always coming in poking and prodding. Being ordered around like your eight again and the boredom is the worst. The same four walls,the same sounds and smells and even the same people. He's devising an escape plan for when he feels stronger. He knows that Lisbon will just drag him back when she finds him but at least he would have felt the sun kiss his skin and breathed in the smells of the outside world. But despite being in hospital he feels good. Better than he has for a long long time. He feels lighter, as if a great weight has been lifted off him. He feels free, that he has control over his life. He feels happier.

He stays awake until after breakfast working on his escape plan. He feels he"s almost overcome all the weak spots. There is a big one called Lisbon but he's accepted there's not much he can do about that one. He begins to feel drowsy and pushes his tray away from the bed and gives in to the sleep weighing down his eyelids.

Why is it dark again? Jane can't remember how he got here, or why. He feels that it is narrow and holding his arms to the side he doesn't have to lean far to feel walls on either side of him. He has no idea how long the hallway is but he knows he's in a hurry. He is going somewhere to do something he just doesn't know where or what. He searches his brain, that he can usually count on to never fail him. It keeps him half a dozen steps ahead of everyone else, well nearly everyone else, there's one person who always seems to elude all his efforts. Panic ignites within him, whatever this is it has something to do with Red John. At least that is a part of the puzzle solved. His feet quicken their pace in response.  
Jane pushes the panic down as it his clouding his thoughts. Whatever it his he needs to remember he can feel the urgency deep within him. He pulls on all his powers of concentration to remember - he must remember. Suddenly his ears are assaulted as loud laughter fills his space. A laughter he knows so well, taunting, laced with cruelty.

"Where are you Patrick? She's waiting for you. You promised you'd always save her."

Images flash through his mind of torture and Lisbon at a press conference taunting Red John, practically begging him to come get her. Fear now consumes him and propels him forward at a greater pace. Running and running but there seems no end to the darkness. His heart is pounding in his chest, his breaths are ragged and gasping, his body is screaming for him to stop but he can't he has to reach her, help her. As his body is rebelling against him the laughter starts again and he uses it to feed his will. Just as he reaches the point when he can't go on any longer, he's unable to get enough oxygen into his lungs and he's almost doubled over with pain, there's a light. It's coming from under a door. The laughter abruptly ceases and the silence is broken only by Jane's own gasps. He's aware of a feeling of familiarity as his hand grasps the knob, surprised to find it's trembling. The light blinds him as the door fully opens.

"Patrick you found us. I'm so glad I'd have hated to have done this without you here after all it's your gift. Jane halts at the sight of an unconscious Lisbon bound to a chair, legs stretched behind her, her back arched, her head forced back exposing her neck with a knife held pressed against it.

"Let her go it's me you want."

Jane is slowly moving towards them.

"Now that's where your wrong Patrick. Not this time."

"Nooooo" Jane lunges as Red John draws the knife across Lisbon's throat. He pushes Red John out the way and takes Lisbon in his arms. Soon he's covered in her blood. Her eyes never opened but he can tell the moment her life slips away. He holds her tighter and screams her name.

Jane startles himself awake. He checks himself for blood and his surroundings. It was just another nightmare. He reaches for the hospital phone and with shaking hands dials. His heart rate is still not back to normal when the phone at the end of the line is answered.

"Cho I need you to bring me something from the attic."

 

"Was that Cho I saw in the parking lot. Did he come to see you?"

"Yes he popped in for a few minutes. He said he was missing me and couldn't stand another day without seeing me."

"l see the truthfulness thing has gone out the window."

Jane smiles

"It was good to see him. I told him to have VanPelt and Rigsby stop by."

"I'm glad you did."

Jane gives Lisbon a searching look.

"Something's wrong. What happened this morning?"

"I had to meet with the CBI psychiatrist, she wants to come by and see you."

"Is that all. No problem I can handle her."

Lisbon notices a flash in Jane's eyes.

"You behave yourself she's coming to sign you off. It would serve you right if you ended up visiting her for months."

"I promise I'll be on my best behaviour."

"The nurses tell me that Cho wasn't your only visitor this morning."

Jane pulls a face.

"The physiotherapist came by. A charming fellow by the name of Derek. He explained the exercises I need to do and we practised a couple."

"Good. Did it go well?"

"I told him I have no desire to be Charles Atlas and that I have someone with a gun protecting me at all times, so the exercises were unnecessary."

"Jane they're for your own good."

"Yes he said if I ever want to lift more than a spoon then I need to do them every day.. I've been practicing on a couple of hand and wrist ones."

"That's good Jane."

It's a couple of days later before the psychiatrist comes to visit Jane. Lisbon's been very surprised to find Jane working hard at his exercises. When she expressed her surprise, he said he realized it was his only way out of the hospital. The doctor is very pleased with the progress he's making and his monitors were removed and that morning he was moved out of intensive care into a private room on a regular ward.

The psychiatrist breezes in at three in the afternoon. Lisbon is reading and Jane is working on a sudoku puzzle.

They both look up as they hear the door open.

"Good afternoon Agent Lisbon and good to finally meet you Mr. Jane."

"Is it?"

The psychiatrist puts forth her hand.

"My name"s Dr. Rushton. I am..."

"The psychiatrist for the CBI. You've already spoken to my colleague, Teresa Lisbon and now you want to find out if all you've heard about me could possibly be true."

Lisbon recognises the disarming 'butter wouldn't melt in his mouth' smile that Jane gives the doctor and she groans within, knowing that this isn't going to go well.

"Well yes. Agent Lisbon tells me that you are doing remarkably well, which is surprising considering what you've been through."

"Yes I am Doctor, all courtesy of Agent Lisbon here. So you can tick me off your list and be on your way."

"I do need to ask you a few questions first."

Jane rolls his eyes.

"Of course you do."

Lisbon gives him a thundering stare.

"Jane!"

He sighs in submission.

"Okay, okay I'll be good."

Lisbon stands

"Please Doctor take my chair."

"Thank you."

"I'll wait outside."

"There's no reason for you to go Agent. I'm sure Mr. Jane will be alright with you staying. Since you have been so instrumental in his recovery it will be beneficial to have you present."

"Okay."

Lisbon takes the second visitors chair and places it next to the Doctor. Jane notices that the doctor's relieved to have Lisbon stay and he wonders about it.

"Mr. Jane I've read through your file and the reports. You've been through a harrowing experience. One that can leave terrible scars for years to come."

"I won't deny that I 've found it difficult and that I had issues to deal with. But Lisbon has talked them through with me and has helped me see things more clearly"

"That's remarkable in such a short space of time."

"Maybe practise makes perfect Doctor. I've experienced worse under the hands of Red John."

"You're talking about the death of your wife and child I presume.

"Yes."

"Do you really think you've come through that experience? Do you consider a quest for vengeance that out ways any other aspect of your life, dealing with it?"

"I have the CBI."

"Where you have a cavalier attitude to rules and to your life?"

"I"m just doing what has to be done to close the case."

"Would you agree that you have an insatiable need to be right?"

"I do like to know that I"m right."

"Is this a need for validation because of what Red John did to your family and your inability to catch him"

Lisbon has heard enough.

"What has any of this to do with now? I think you're stepping over the mark."

"Lisbon psychiatrists believe that nothing's out of bounds. She just testing me."

"That's very perceptive of you Mr. Jane."

"It's my middle name doctor."

She gives him a tight smile.

"Okay should we move on to your torture. You were taken after Red John sent you some love letters correct?"

Jane nods.

"Did you suspect they came from him."

"It took me longer than I should have. I didn't have a good feeling about them and considered Red John."

"You didn't tell Agent Lisbon about your suspicions."

"I was going to but then we caught a case and there wasn't the opportunity. "

"Perhaps you wanted Red John to take you.?"

"If I had thought that was going to happen when it did I would've armed myself."

Jane feels a moment of triumph as the doctor looks shocked by his answer."

"You have a gun Mr. Jane?"

"I have ways of getting one."

"Red John treated you rather badly. The damage he caused is extensive. It must have been agony for you. Whipping, cutting, burning. the taser."

Jane struggles to push down the memories the question invites to the surface. He's proud of the strength he conveys in his reply.

"It was."

Lisbon isn't fooled and wishes she was close enough to touch him. To reassure him of where he is.

"You've been suffering nightmares?"

"Yes but I haven't had one for three days."

"Can you tell me about it?"

"Red John killed Lisbon."

"Are you feeling concerned for Agent Lisbon?"

"She was taken as well."

"He didn't hurt her."

"That doesn't mean he won't. Red John didn't get what he wanted. I guess I'm concerned that he'll take retribution for that."

"I'm impressed Mr. Jane you seem to be handling things very well."

The doctor puts her files on the bed. Jane smiles and looks towards Lisbon.

"Just one more thing. What about the strawberries? I understand it was an intimate experience.

The smile vanishes as Jane turns to the doctor.

"How do you know about the strawberries. I've only told Lisbon."

"Lisbon's guard comes up.

"How do you know doctor because I haven't told you."

The doctor jumps to her feet pulling out a gun. Lisbon reacts too late and the gun's pressed against her temple and her gun removed.

"You're a very clever man Mr. Jane. Red John isn't happy with your recovery and does want to punish you."

Lisbon tries to reason.

"You're not going to get away with this there's a cop just outside the door."

"I'll take my chances with him and I'm sure you've realised that it's considered an honour to sacrifice oneself for Red John."

She takes a quick glance at Jane.

"You're really very lucky being the recipient of so much of Red John's attention and one day you will appreciate it."

"Forgive me if I don't feel so lucky. Now what's your plan?"

"Just what you said Mr. Jane, I'm going to kill Agent Lisbon here."

Lisbon's mind 's racing, trying to figure an escape. The doctor has moved too far away from her to successfully lunge for the gun and if she shouts she"ll be dead before the cop makes it through the door.

"That's right Agent Lisbon there's no escape for you ."

She raises the gun higher, pointing it at Lisbon's head. Lisbon stares at her refusing to close her eyes. A shot rings out. The next moments are hard for Lisbon to comprehend as the doctor drops to the floor, the cop rushes into the room, his gun drawn. His eyes quickly sweep the scene and he raises his gun.

"Drop the gun. Mr. Jane."


	14. A visitor

Lisbon looks towards Jane and sure enough he has a gun in his hands. Both hands actually and they're shaking so hard she's afraid it could go off accidentally. Lisbon reassures the Officer as she rushes to Jane's side

"It's alright Burton he's the good guy.. Check and see if she's still alive. Jane let go of the gun. Can you do that?"

Jane doesn't seem aware she's spoken, he's looking at the doctor on the floor. She reaches Jane's side and puts her hand on the gun, steadying it. This seems to snap Jane into the present and he turns his eyes towards Lisbon and she feels his hold on the gun slacken.

"You okay Lisbon?"

"Yes thanks Jane."

Lisbon looks towards Officer Burton who's commandeered the doctor's gun and is checking for a pulse.

"She's still alive"

"Okay. Get a doctor in here to look at her and Jane."

"Sure thing."

The officer opens the door and Lisbon sees people crowding the doorway.

"There's been a shooting and help's needed, also someone to check on Mr. Jane."

Doctors and nurses push into the room, some head towards the victim and a couple towards Jane. It takes awhile to stabilize the psychiatrist so they can take her to surgery. Jane's checked over, he's hyped up with adrenalin. His eyes are shining and Lisbon can see his legs twitching under the covers. The doctor injects his i.v. with something to calm him down. They move him to a different room as his is in a serious need of some house cleaning. Finally the door closes and Jane and Lisbon are alone.

"Where did you get the gun Jane."

"Lisbon you seem upset."

"Do you understand the mess this is? What were you doing with a gun? Please tell me it's registered?"

"I save your life and that's the thanks I get."

"You can't just fire guns willy nilly. You have to have permits."

"I didn't just fire willy nilly, she was going to shoot you. I'm lying in a hospital bed recovering from a near death encounter with Red John and saved the life of a CBI agent from a Red John minion. Bertram's not going to charge me with some little gun offense, the fallout would be messy. I'll be a hero."

Lisbon looks at him with a begrudging 'I guess you're right' look.

"Where did you get the gun?"

"I'll never tell copper."

"Seriously Jane."

It hits Lisbon.

That's what Cho was doing here. He brought you the gun."

"He didn't know what he was bringing me. I directed him to a box in the attic and asked him to being it. You know Cho, he wouldn't have looked, that's why I asked him."

"Where's the box now?"

"In my room."

"You were able to lift the box and the gun. You were barely able to hold the gun with two hands."

"Where there's a will there's a way."

"Why did you feel you needed a gun?"

Jane looks at her in exaggerated unbelief.

"You were there Lisbon. I needed the gun for exactly that event. I knew Red John was going to try and kill you. I also suspected that he would do it in front of me. In my weakened state it would be easy. It would have been nice if he did it himself but it's not easy getting a gun in to a hospital unless you're a cop and it's even harder to get to me. when you told me the psychiatrist was coming it was obvious it was going was her."

"You didn't think you should share this information with me."

"I didn't have any evidence and you would have thought me paranoid."

Lisbon lets out a sigh.

"You should have told me Jane."

"And what would you have done? Prevented her from coming. Red John would have found another time and place to get to you."

The torment in Jane's eyes extinguishes what is left of her anger.

"It's not your job to save me."

Jane's reply is almost a whisper.

"I don't have any choice."

Lisbon see hopelessness in Jane's eyes laced with determination.

"Jane listen to me. Should anything happen to me as we chase Red John you aren't to blame. It's not your fault. It's my job. It's a possibility with every job we take, it's what it means to be a cop."

Jane's eyes and voice harden.

"Red John is different. "

"No he isn't, he just a serial killer. There are hundreds of them out there. Many as clever and ruthless as him and some even worse. He's just better at marketing himself - he announced himself as a serial killer with the smiley face and then chose a celebrity victim. It just shows a puffed up ego which will inevitably lead to his downfall as he will make another mistake."

"Another mistake?"

Lisbon can't help but smile.

"He got you on to the case."

Jane grabs Lisbon's hand, she looks down in shock and then at Jane's face.

"I understand about what it means to be a cop.."

Jane's voice is husky with emotion.

"...but nothing can happen to you because of me. You're my best friend and partner and because of that you have a big target on your back. There's nothing I can do about that now except look out for you and do everything in my power to save you. If I fail I don't think I would survive it."

"Jane all we can do is take every precaution, there are no guarantees in this job, and that means you too. I don't want to lose you either. This was a close call. I don't want putting through it again."

Jane releases Lisbon's hand and sinks into the pillows as exhaustion suddenly overtakes him. The pain tablets are wearing off and his wrists are hurting. He clicks more medication in to his system.

"I think I should leave you to sleep. I have to write this up and someone will be by later to take your statement."

"Promise you'll watch yourself."

"Of course."

 

Lisbon almost walks straight in to Bertram as she leaves Jane's room.

"Sorry sir, can I help you?"

"I've come down to find out if what I've heard is true."

"What have you heard?"

"That Jane shot our psychiatrist."

"Yes sir that's true. He..."

"I thought you told me he was doing better. Did he suddenly loses his mind."

" No sir. It turns out she works for Red John. She had a gun and was threatening to shoot me with it when Jane shot her, saving my life. She's in surgery."

"How did Jane get a gun? Was it yours?"

"No sir. He had Cho bring it to him from the attic. Cho didn't know that's what he was bringing."

Bertram looks at Lisbon in disbelief.

"You're telling me this was premeditated. That Jane planned this."

Lisbon realizes her mistake and mentally kicks herself for dropping Jane in it. She should have known better. She attempts to get Jane out from under.

"No Sir. He's been through a terrible ordeal, as you know. Can we blame him for wanting a little more protection?"

She can see Bertram' mind turning over as he begins to see a way out.

"Tell me the gun's registered Agent."

Lisbon doesn't answer. Bertram rolls his eyes.

"This is going to be a nightmare."

"Think about how it will look going after the victim of such brutal torture, who saved the life of a state agent while laying in his hospital bed."

She waits anxiously as Bertram cocks he head from side to side working through the different scenarios. Her fingers are crossed behind her back.

"It wouldn't look very good, would it? There's a lot of sympathy out there for Jane. On the other hand Jane's heroic actions will play very good for the CBI."

Lisbon is nodding.

"Yes it would Sir."

Bertram moves towards Jane's door and Lisbon blocks his way.

"As you can imagine, all this has been hard on Jane, emotionally and physically. I left him asleep."

"Of course"

Bertram stares at the door for a few moments and then turns and heads back down the hallway. Lisbon lets out a slow breath in relief and follows, after allowing time for Bertram to take the elevator ahead of her. She addresses the officer guarding Jane's room before leaving.

" Allow absolutely no one's in there who doesn't have clearance from me, or this will be the last job you'll do."

"Yes Ma'am."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jane watches Lisbon close the door behind her. His hand automatically moves to touch the gun he's kept next to him under the covers for the past three days. Normally he's not one for guns, but he can't deny the security it gave him. Of course it's not there. Taken away by the authorities. A price he's more than happy to pay for Lisbon's safety. When the psychiatrist pointed the gun at Lisbon, he felt his heart jump. He broke out in to a sweat as his hand wrapped around the handle, and his fingers took hold of the trigger. He was concerned he wouldn't be able to keep a good steady hand to shoot. As he'd slowly brought his hand out from under the covers it felt very heavy. The exercises he'd been doing had helped a little but his hand still shook as he lifted it up. He used his other hand to keep it steady. Once it was in position he didn't wait to assess the situation, he knew he couldn't hold it for long. He pointed and pressed the trigger. It took all his strength and concentration to fight against the kick back. He had to be able to take another shot if necessary. He saw the body react to the force of the bullet as it had entered her lower back and then the psychiatrist fell to the floor. He watched her fall and all he was aware of was the blood seeping out from under her. He couldn't stop looking at it. Then Lisbon's voice reached him, she sounded close by and he turned and there she was in front of him, alive, breathing.

Then there was bedlam. Lisbon taking the gun from him. People pouring into the room. Someone asking him questions, poking and prodding. Activity around the psychiatrist, so many people trying to save her life. He wanted to tell them that it was a waste of time, that she will never survive Red John, if she didn't kill herself first. Then she was being wheeled out of the room and he soon followed to this room. Once he was settled he and Lisbon were left alone. Now she's gone and he lays in reflection. He feels peace. Peace from being alone, peace from Lisbon's safety, and peace from the satisfaction that he'd protected her, that he personally had thwarted Red John's plan.

He moves trying to find a comfortable position. He's aware that for the first time he's wanting out of the hospital. This can only be a good sign. He's always hated being in hospital, the smell, the noise, the feeling of isolation from the rest of the world. He doesn't even know what day it is, how long it's been since he was taken by Red John. He's needs to remember to ask someone. At least he must be on the mend. Now how to get out of here.

Jane starts at the sound of the door opening. He must have dozed off without realizing it. His room's become dark and his eyes are still adjusting to it when a voice chills his bones.

"Patrick, how lovely to see you looking so well."


	15. Decisions

Jane is quickly fully awake. A masked face is before him.

"How did you get in here? What have you done to the guard?"

"Surely you or Agent Lisbon didn't expect one puny guard to keep me away."

Jane is doing the best he can to the control emotions that are threatening to overwhelm him.

"What do you want?"

Red John moves closer to the bed.

"Why you, of course, Patrick. you killed a friend of mine, again. Such behaviour requires punishment or you could make a habit of it. Now out of bed."

"No."

"Don't be foolish. Just because I haven't shown you a weapon, doesn't mean I don't have one."

Red john shows him a gun hidden in his pocket.

"I could shoot you here, but people tend to come running and others would get hurt. Is that what you want?"

He pulls back Jane's covers and Jane swings his legs over.

"I-I-I can't walk very far."

"Don't worry Patrick, I will help you."

As Jane stands up Red John grabs him by the collar of his pajamas to steady him. He smiles at the tremors he can feel running through Jane's body. He uses his other hand to remove his mask and then presses the gun in to Jane's back.

"Let's go Patrick we have unfinished business."

Jane's knees buckle beneath him at Red John's words. Red John tightens his grip.

"Get yourself together."

Jane takes a deep breath and forces his feet forward. His steps are unsteady but with Red Johns help he's able to cross the room.

"Open the door."

Jane obeys and he's pushed through the doorway. He sees that there's no sign of the guard. He wonders if Red John has scouted the place as there's not a single nurse to be seen. As if reading his thoughts Red John informs him.

"Everyone's either at break or catching up on paperwork. They won't miss you for a while."

Jane's muscles are beginning to burn. He knows it will only get worse. Red John pushes him through into the stairwell.

"Go up."

Jane stops with surprise and looks at all the stairs.

"I can't make it up."

"Yes you can and you will, even if it's on your hands and knees.

Jane grabs both hand rails and pulls himself up. He makes it up two flights before his legs give way entirely and he's crawling up. Red john is following behind, taunting.

"How wonderful is this. The great Patrick Jane at my feet. Going up the stairs like a two year old. A wonderful sight."

Jane collapses as the strain and anger saps his strength. Red John stomps on his back.

"Get moving Patrick it"s a long way back down these stairs and you could get seriously damaged tumbling down them."

Jane gasps trying to catch his breath from the force of his rib cage being stomped in to the unyielding step..

"Just give me a minute."

"You think I have all night. Now move unless you want to feel my boot again."

Jane's muscles scream with every torturous step, but finally he's at the top and he sprawls out, laying on his back, in agony. He closes his eyes at the sight of Red John's triumphant expression.

"Well done Patrick. I knew you could do it. We're almost there and then you can rest a while."

Red John hauls Jane to his feet, but there's no strength left. He has to wrap his arm around Jane's waist and carry him through the door on to the roof. Jane is dizzy with pain and is struggling to stay conscious. He feels his feet scraping against cement as Red John moves across the flat roof. The wind is cold at this height and Jane's pajamas are no protection from it. In his weakened state it slices through him as he's dragged along. Suddenly he feels Red john release him and he drops to the floor. The cement is unforgiving against his body, his head hits hard and the world swims before him.

He feels pain in his side and hears his name pulling him from the blackness. He wonders why he feels so cold, he's shivering. Another explosion of pain in his stomach, he groans and tries to turn on his side. Hands grabbing the cloth of his pajama top stop him. They pull him up slightly from the floor,  
Jane forces his eyes open and when he comes face to face with the mask, his memories return and he knows he's on the roof of the hospital at the mercy of Red John.

"Welcome back Patrick, nice of you to join us again. I've missed you while we've been apart. It was lovely having you as my guest"

Jane is still fighting dizziness and pain but musters up as much strength as he can to reply.

"You're sick. I'm not interested in your games. Whatever you want with me now, whatever you do, whether I survive or not, I don't care. I'm over you Red John."

Red John stares at him and laughs.

"Such spirit Patrick. I'm suppose to believe that your quest is forgotten, that your wife and child are forgotten. That you don't want to avenge the spilling of their blood. The cries that filled the room as I sliced in to them. Angela had such beautiful eyes, don"t you agree Patrick, especially when filled with terror. She begged so beautifully for the life of your daughter and she almost persuaded me, but then I thought of you! Your face filling the tv screen, lying about me, pretending that you knew anything about me."

Jane wants to get away. He can't bear the words. They hurt more than any of his physical injuries. But Red John holds him in his a strong grip. He struggles but gets nowhere.

He can't stop the images of his wife and daughter filling his mind. He's repulsed by himself. This weak shadow of a man that causes the people around him to suffer for his sins. His struggles cease as he accepts whatever Red John has in store for him. As Jane goes limp in his hands, Red John drops him on to the floor and looks at him with pity.

"Poor Patrick, what have they done to you. I can see I need to put that fire back in your belly and I have just the thing."

Jane watches Red John indicate for someone to join them. A very angry, gagged Lisbon comes in to his line of sight.

 

Jane feels fear twist his heart at the sight of Lisbon. He closes his eyes and opens them hoping it's a trick his mind is playing on him, making him live his most terrifying nightmare. But she's still standing next to Red John. He lets out a frustrated growl at his inability to do something, anything to save her. Words are all he has and he's under no illusion that they will work, but he has to give it a try.

"This is between you and me. Leave Lisbon out of it."

"Patrick. I like Lisbon as well, she's good for you and I will miss her, but I can see you've lost your need for the game and I don't know any other way to get it back."

Jane's eyes become dark with anger.

"You killed my wife and child. You think I need more motivation than that to want to gut you, and watch your eyes as your life bleeds out. What my family went through fuels my dreams. I will not rest until you are no more!"

Red John puts his hands together in mock applause.

"Bravo, bravo, Patrick. A noteworthy performance. Don't you know that I can see straight through you. You may be able to fool other suckers but you're transparent to me."

Jane's anger transforms in to desperation.

"It won't work. You said that Lisbon is good for me and you're right. If you kill her because of me. How am I suppose to recover? You say you know me, and yet you think I'll be able to walk away from this and carry on. It will be the end of me. Kill me because I'll be dead either way."

Jane lays on the floor exhausted from the physical and emotional exertion. He has nothing left to give. He hopes fervently that he's done enough. His eyes never leave Red John, hoping he's convinced him of the voracity of his words. Red john's eyes are unreadable. Time stands still as Jane holds his breath waiting on Red John's decision.

Lisbon's anger is fueled by many things. By the ease in which they were able to take her. Despite the attempt on her life she hadn't been cautious, and they just took her from behind. Now here she"s being used as a pawn in Red John's game with Jane. Which is the second thing that fuels her anger. Jane hasn't even been given the chance to heal and Red John is back taunting and tormenting him. And if truth be told she's angry at Jane as she listens to him barter his life for her own. She does recognize the truth in his words, as difficult as his death would be for her, she would eventually move on with her life. But Jane would not survive her being added to the growing list of people he feels have lost their lives because of him. She fights againts her binds and the hands holding her firm. She gets nowhere. Her heart drops at the words she hears Red John say to Jane.

"You make a passionate plea Patrick. How about we let Lisbon choose which one of you I kill."

Red John takes his eyes away from Jane and turns to her

"How do you feel Agent Lisbon, shall I take his life for yours. Would you be able to live with that?"

She hears Jane's pleading voice.

"Let him take me Lisbon. Please."

She closes her eyes. What an impossible choice. Can she do what Jane wants. It's one thing living with Jane's death, but choosing his death is totally different. What if he's wrong and he can find the strength once more. He did it once he could do it again. But what if I condemn him to madness or to slowly fade away.

"God is no good to you here agent. You're making a deal with the devil."

He's right. Lisbon's life is spent dealing with evil. But here it is a living, tangible thing in away she's never experienced before.. It tingles against her skin, it's weight presses down upon her chest. Every fibre of her being wants to run far away, where she can breathe clean living air once more. She feels a tug at her gag and it falls away. She opens her eyes and looks down at Jane. She so wants to give the answer he wants, to grant his wish and she's probably being selfish but she has to believe and give him the chance. She pleads with Jane to understand.

Jane does understand. He knows that to choose differently would change his best friend. The purity inside her would be destroyed. He doesn't want that, better for him to descend in to madness than her. He nods at her.

"This is so delicious."


	16. discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter as the story has caught up with real writing time.

[Story Contrast]

Cho hangs up the phone in the hospital security office. He looks at the others.

"Jane's missing."

The others have guessed from listening to Cho's side of the conversation. Rigsby asks the pertinent question.

"How long?"

"They're not sure. no-one has been in his room for twenty minutess, and they have no idea when they last saw the guard. Who isn't there anymore by the way."

"Well it's not long because we haven't seen anything of him on the monitors and we know they're all showing real time."

"Grace do the rounds let's check again."

It took ten minutes to check the monitors were playing in real time, but there had been no sign of Jane.

"We should have seen him by now."

Rigsby states worriedly.

"Even if they took the stairs he would have to leave through one of the exists."

The agents had been flabbergasted to find no camera's in the stairwells.

Van Pelt stands up.

"What if they haven't taken an exit. What if they went up."

Cho answers

"From what Lisbon has said, Jane wouldn't be able to climb the stairs."

Van Pelt pushes on.

"That doesn't mean they didn't go up. Red John wouldn't care if Jane had to crawl."

Rigsby adds.

"Huh, Red John willprobably like it better that way."

They look at each other and nod. Cho reaches for his phone and starts dialing Lisbon.

"Let's go."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lisbon looks Red John in the eyes which are peering out from behind the mask.

"Kill me. leave Jane alone."

Red Johns leans down and hauls Jane on to his feet. He place an arm across his chest pinning Jane against his body. He takes out his gun and pushes it against Jane's neck. Jane moves away from it but it follows. The man holding Lisbon follows Red John's direction and they all move towards the edge of the roof. Jane and Lisbon just stare at each other, trying to give each other strength. Suddenly Lisbon feels wet on her head and the hands holding her fall away, only then does she hear the shot. Being driven by instinct she rams herself in to Jane, the attack catches Red John by surprise and the force knocks him backwards and he looses his footing. All of them finish in a heap on the floor. Red John keeps a hold of Jane while searching for the gun he dropped but it's not within reach. He hears it scooting across the floor.

"Stay perfectly still if you don't want your head blown off."

Lisbon is pulled to her feet by Van Pelt and is soon released from the handcuffs. She turns to see what's happening. Rigsby has his gun trained on Red John, who is still on the floor his arms stretched above his head. Jane is unconscious, obviously her body blow had been the last straw for him. Cho is pulling him clear of Red John. She rushes to his side. His pulse is faint but it's there. Cho turns his attention to Red John. He's moved on to his front and his hands cuffed behind his back. All three agents quickly move him off the roof so Jane can receive medical attention. Doctors and nurses swarm around him, with a gurney in tow. Lisbon steps aside to allow them to work. Only when a young doctor places a blanket around her shoulders does she realise she's shaking. She watches them work on Jane as the young man take her vitals, not listening to what he has to say. Jane is still unconscious and she hopes she hasn't caused him more damage. He's lifted up on to the gurney and wheeled away. She wraps the blanket tight around her and follows the procession.

The lights are low in Jane's room. He's in a medical induced sleep. The pain too much to tolerate. The door softly opens and Cho looks in. Lisbon indicates that she will come outside. As she closes the door she says,

"Let's get a drink. I know I can use some coffee."

In the cafeteria they get their drinks and settle at a table.

"How's Jane?"

"They have him heavily sedated. They said something about swelling around the joints and until that goes down they won't know the extent of the damaged."

Cho sees anger flash in her eyes.

"They said Jane wasn't able to climb those stairs except on his hands and knees. Can you imagine the humiliation of it."

"That was the one miscalculation Jane made.."

Lisbon stops, her mug half way to her mouth.

"What?...what?...Jane?...You're telling me this was all part of a Jane plan? Jane left himself open as bait...even put himself on the hook with killing the psychiatrist."

"Yes. He worked out every move Red John would make correctly. We discussed keeping an eye on you and Jane was very uneasy about leaving you out in the open, but there just wasn't the man power."

Lisbon is furious.

"How about letting me in on the plan...Your boss!"

"I know boss and I"m sorry, but you know how persuasive Jane is... and smoking out Red John...We all saw Jane that day, what Red John did to him... Jane not having to live in fear of it happening again... I couldn't say no."

Cho's words and memories softens her anger.

"It was a stupid thing to do Cho. Don't ever leave me in the dark again."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jane struggles through the fog. He's almost sure he's awake, but he can't open his eyes.

'When did my eyelids get so heavy? Perhaps I'm actually dead. Perhaps Red John killed me instead'

That unexpected thought opens up vague memories in his mind of crawling, cold, pain, roof, Lisbon, decisions, Lisbon!

A soft groan escapes Jane's lips. Lisbon jumps up from her chair immediately. It's three days since the arrest of Red John. his home raided and evidence collected, her statement taken. Every spare moment spent at Jane's bedside. Today the heavy sedatives were withdrawn. She can see he's struggling with consciousness. She hears him speak her name and his eyes flutter open. She can't hold back her thoughts any longer. She didn't want to waste them on an unconscious form. She wanted the depth of her feeling retained, not diluted by expression.

"Jane you're an idiot."


	17. Permission

"Jane you're an idiot."

Jane's eyes finally manage to focus and he sees a very angry Lisbon. Memories of the activities on the roof come back to him.

"Hi Lisbon. I'm guessing we're not dead, or heaven is a different place than I imagined it would be, if it existed of course."

He tries a pathetic smile to get her on his side. She's obviously talked with Cho.

"No we're not dead. Your cavalry arrived just in time, like a tv movie."

"Well done Cho and the gang."

Jane can see this tack is not helping.

"Jane what were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry Lisbon you weren't suppose be involved. I thought that since he'd tried to have you killed once that they wouldn't be able to take you."

"That's not what I'm angry about. You put yourself out as bait. you don't have the strength to protect yourself in anyway. There was so many holes in your plan including the fact that he took you up the stairs."

"That was a development I didn't see. This is why I didn't let you in on the plan, I knew you wouldn't like it."

"That's the first sensible thing you've said. I thought we were being a team. I thought you weren't going to play cowboy?"

Lisbon's hurt is written all over her face.

"I didn't play cowboy, everyone else was in on the plan. I knew they had my back. I know there was an element of risk but I had to take it. If we didn't take this opportunity, who knows how long it would be before we caught him, how many lives would be lost."

"Is this the argument you used on Cho?"

"Yes and some others."

Jane had been ruthless in his manipulation of Cho, with stories of him being taken again, of the possibility of what had been done to him, quite easily being done to Lisbon. Lisbon makes the mistake of really looking at Jane and she feels her anger deflate a little. His face is drawn and pale. Jane notes the change in demeanor and has no shame in jumping on it.

"Is he dead?"

Lisbon doesn't need to ask who he is talking about.

"We arrested him."

"What's his name?"

"It's Ray Hefner."

"The guy I used to work for, who left to start his own firm and offered you a job?"

"Yes."

Jane goes silent as the knowledge of who Red John is sinks in. He never saw it. He didn't like the guy but he never saw psychopathic tendencies in him. The visualize connection makes sense though. Memories of his abduction can't help resurfacing and a shudder runs through his body. He pushes them away.

"Is he hurt?"

"Just a little bruised. He's safely under lock and key. Agents are searching his home."

"Have they found anything?"

"Nothing really helpful. but being found on the roof trying to kill a CBI agent is enough at the moment. The evidence will come."

"He hasn't said anything?"

Jane sees the tiny look of discomfort in her demeanor.

"No."

"Yes he has."

"He's said he will only talk to you."

Jane begins to throw back the covers.

"Then let's go."

Lisbon stops him.

"Jane, you're in no condition to go head to head with a monster. You wouldn't even be able to make it out the door. He'll still be there when you're ready."

"Only because some rammed into me?"

Lisbon can't help but smile.

" Sorry about that."

Jane is rubbing his breast bone.

"You must weigh more than you look."

Lisbon slaps him on his arm.

"Ow! Stop it woman. Haven't you hurt me enough."

They share a smile. Lisbon's mood changes.

"Are you alright Jane?"

He knows she's not talking about his physical state. He looks at her with as much sincerity as he can muster.

"I'm doing alright. It's a lot to take in that the hunt is over. Now at least people are safe."

His voice drops almost to a whisper.

"I'm glad you're not dead."

She squeezes his hand.

"I'm glad too. It may have been stupid, but you did a great job."

Tiredness is overwhelming Jane. He's asleep before she's finished the sentence.

Jane finds himself in a long dark hallway. His subconsciousness recognizes it as part of his dream long ago, but this time he's not tided with string, he can choose to walk down it or to turn around and go the opposite way. He turns and see light in front of him, not artificial light but sunshine, bright and welcoming. He starts moving towards it but can feel the tug of the darkness. A vision of Lisbon tied to a chair appears before his eyes, tears streaking her face. He remembers that she is at the end of the dark hallway. The vision stops him in his tracks and he turns. He stares into the darkness, it seems that it will swallow him whole, he can see nothing within it. He stands for a full minute, debating. Is Lisbon still there, is it all a trick, which way should he turn. In the end there is only one choice, he needs to know. The darkness is so thick it almost seems solid except that he can keep walking through it. It seems to enter him through his mouth, his nose, his eyes. He feels it invading his very soul. Panic sets him running, trying to get away from the darkness as quickly as possible, his legs are pumping but his speed doesn't change. His head aches and a pain in his stomach doubles him over. With sweat pouring from him he is almost at the end of his endurance when he sees a slip of light coming from under a door. He knows instinctively that it's the door. His palm is wet with sweat as he tries to open the door. Using both hands it finally twists and he pushes it open. He blinks furiously against the light which seems even brighter than the sunshine. A voice, he recognizes only too well welcomes him.

"Patrick, we thought you would never get here."

Warmth fills his soul and a smile stretches across his face. Walking towards him is his beautiful wife, hold Charlotte's hand. He rushes towards them and sweeps them both into his arms and buries his face in to their hair. He smothers them with kisses, tears stream down his face unaware. Angela pulls away laughing. He pulls her back and holds on not wanting to let go. He becomes aware of others around him. He relunctantly releases his wife to see who they are. He recognizes the faces, each one embedded in his mind over the years. Every one of Red John's victims. His eyes rest on Boscoe who gives him a nod. Angela grabs his attention.

"We're so proud of you. Now remember us in your heart and get on with your life. We love you."

Jane reaches out and she takes his hand. Her image begins to fade and he stares at her beautiful face until it's gone. He can still feel the touch of her hand in his. He looks around and he's all alone but there's light and peace and a door.


	18. The future

Jane wakes up before making it through the door, just as Angela let's go of his hand. He'd been staring at his wife and daughter, walking backwards towards the exit. He closes his eyes trying to will himself back to sleep but he knows it's useless. Instead he relaxes and lets his mind relive the sensation of holding Angela in his arms again, of seeing Charlotte's beautiful smile and feeling her tiny hands hug his neck. He breathes deeply and memories overtake him as quickly as an avalanche. burying him so that he can hardly breathe, but, he doesn't want to escape, he wants to experience each moment as clearly as the day he lived them.

He stood still, rooted to the spot as the irritating girl, who had been the bane of his life for too many years, stood before him, unrecognizable. This girl wasn't in her jeans and t-shirt, but in a dress where curves hit all the right places. Eyes were deeper, with a maturity and smokiness that promised so much and held his gaze, daring him to look away first. There was no one else from that day forward.

The night they ran away was Jane's night off. They were in Pete's trailer, Angela cut his hair short and then dyed it brown. They dressed in clothes that would not attract attention, added caps and escaped in to the night. Excitement made them giddy, he had to keep hushing her as they descended the steps of the trailer, but parents didn't hear, no-one tried to stop them. Pete enveloped them in a hug and wished them good luck. Their savings and a bus took them far away.

Their wedding was a simple affair, attended by their few friends. Angela's eyes sparkled and the love in her eyes made him ten feet tall and the greatest man on the planet. He would give her everything. Heartfelt words, lingering kisses and dreams were fulfilled.

Life was perfect, it couldn't get any better, but he was wrong. Twenty inches and seven pounds, proved him wrong. He was hers the moment he held her in his arms. He's been so scared of hurting her, dropping her. But she'd had stopped crying and looked up with eyes that held his attention and seemed to hold knowledge far deeper than he could possibly hope for. He promised he would always be there for her, give her everything.

What a stupid promise that had been, and he'd made it twice! He worked hard and long, the house was beautiful, the setting unbelievable. They had it all but everything was nothing, if it wasn't you. If you didn't keep them safe.

Tears prick his eyes, as he comes to the final scene, the interview, the note, the smiley face, the blood. The avalanche of memories are a crushing weight upon his chest, he can hardly breathe. The dream rushing in to his mind once more, the love on his wife's face, mixed with despair and pleading. The weight lifts and he takes in a deep breath.

He hears the door open, he looks towards it and it's Lisbon. She's smiling until she sees his tear-stained face, it changes to concern and she moves quickly to his side.

"Jane are you okay?"

He smiles and wipes his face.

"I'm fine and I mean it."

Skepticism is written all over her face.

"I've been having dreams, most have been nightmares. A result of my imprisonment. They were awful at the beginning but now, this last one..."

Jane feels a lump making it hard to speak. Lisbon places her hand on his arm giving him encouragement.

"This last one, Angela was there...Angela and Charlotte. I held them in my arms, smelled them, kissed them...It..It... felt so real. Everyone was there..."

"Everyone?"

"All of Red John's victims...even Boscoe."

Jane smiles and a mischievous look crosses his face.

"He sends his love."

"Shushhhh"

He's delights to watch a red glow appear on her cheeks.

"She said she was proud of me, that she loved me and I was to get on with my life."

"That sounds like a wonderful dream and she's right. I know you feel guilt about that night, and the things you've said. You can't bring them back, you can't undo what happened, but you've done all that you can do. You gave up your life to get the monster, you risked your life, you went through hell and offered yourself again and now he's behind bars, he can't hurt anyone again. He'll be tried and convicted, you have saved the lives of his future victims. They will go about their life not knowing the debt they owe you. It is time to move on."

Jane was watching himself twist the bed covers between his finger and thumb. When she stops speaking he looks at her. His voice is barely a whisper.

"How do I do that? I never expected to live past this day. I presumed I would be dead or in prison, it didn't matter to me. I've never thought about what I want."

She gives his arm a squeeze.

"You'll figure it out. First order of business is to get well, then I hope you'll return to work with us."

"I guess my recuperation will give me plenty of time to think about things."

He sees the disappointment in Lisbon's eyes.

"Whether I return to the CBI or not, we'll still be friends. I-I-I just don't know if I want to continue spending my days with dead people. I've enjoyed working with you, and I must confess, the job has brought some satisfaction, but maybe there's something else I can do. I need to find out."

"I understand Jane."

"I don't need to find out that I still want you in my life. We can spend time together, watching a movie, talking over dinner, trip to the beach, instead of in cars, on the way to a case."

She gives him a small smile.

"That sounds lovely Jane."

He beams at her.

"It does! when I get out of here, Friday night - movie night at your place."


End file.
